


The Cycle Repeats

by LostInQueue



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Acting, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkwardness, Burn This AU, Dry Humping, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Food, HEA, Healing, Light Angst, Love at First Sight, Nervousness, Rey’s friends are infatuated with Ben, Rey’s not sure what to think, Saving Ben Solo, Slow Burn, Soulmates, brodway shows, editing, fears, forging a bond, free tickets, multiple character syndrome, sex from Ben's POV, sorta first date, stronger connection, sweet fluffy Ben, working in the city
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:21:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 36,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22110988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInQueue/pseuds/LostInQueue
Summary: Rey is an editor in NYC. The company she works for, while small, gets opportunities to see shows for free. Her loyal friends are over the moon about getting to see one of their favorite upcoming actors preform and just can’t believe Rey hasn’t heard of him until now.Ben is a Broadway actor who has started in other things, developed a name for himself but struggles with the characters he’s played.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 25
Kudos: 85
Collections: The Thirst Order - TWD House Swolo





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU DAGAGADA FOR THIS AMAZING MOODBOARD <3 <3 <3

[ ](https://ibb.co/NSK1jQj)

Every morning Rey wakes up to the quiet sighs of the city well before even the early risers are up. It’s the best time, she’s found, to go for her morning jogs or occasionally ride her bicycle for miles before running people over by the masses. Four in the morning had just been her jam for, well, years… ever since she moved to the city anyways. 

Rey often times had time to burn afterwards too, which made returning home, showering, getting ready for work and hanging out at the coffee spot across the street from her office feel like a relaxed walk in the park. Today had been no different. Before she knew it she’d been in her favorite extra wide chair, certainly made for a small party, or at least three of herself with room to spare, nestled close to the tiny corner before the window panels began. It felt like an arm around her. A nice warm place to wind down in at every moment of her day, no matter the time, her spot seemed to be there. Ready. Waiting. 

Poe, the man that owned the little shop had always been happy to see her in the event that they had. Over the last few weeks his cute new hire, Kirsta, ran the shop, which was honestly a wonderful way to start the day too. She was shorter than herself, nearly always moving a stool around to reach cabinets on the back wall for restocking, and here and there for refilling the cappuccino machines. They were set just far enough back that she couldn’t quite reach them but when Poe moved them forward to help with her vertical problems a customer managed to knock over a basket of muffins on the countertop near them only to cause a fiasco with the machine as well.

Rey being the frequent she was made sure to help back then and any other time she needed it too. All the girl had to do was ask. 

Speaking of asking… she’d been meaning to see if Poe had an answer for her yet but before she could leave a message with Kirsta, the alarm on her phone reminded her it was time to leave for work. 

“Argh!” Rey groaned, scooting off the huge cushion as she went. 

“Dontcha worry, sweetie!” Kirsta called, her hand reaching over the register to grab her makeshift sign. “Just go ahead and put this where you were and I’ll…”

“You cannot put a reserved sign in an open seat,” Poe warned her. “That’s like… the best spot and you know it.”

“All the more reason to keep it for our best customer!” Kirsta waved it again. 

Rey noticed the way Poe looked at her but opted not to bring it up. She was sure it would be a story for another time, but for now, this story needed to skedaddle! 

“I’ll be back later,” Rey called over her shoulder. 

“See? She’ll be back later,” Kirsta said, sticking out her tongue at her boss. 

The moment Rey made her way outside was the same one she’d realized the girl really did use that sign in her favorite seat. It made her grin, then wave and make her way down to the corner to cross the street. 

Her building, while tall, wasn’t close to the tallest skyscraper on the block. It certainly showed age that way, but to her it was the best, even if it didn’t, rather, couldn’t support the views of the city from wall to wall windows, it still had a good look down the block in each direction, which was nice at sunset and some  
How even more beautiful at night when the traffic lights would dance across those mirrored buildings across the way. 

Her job was far less glorified as an editor for all things including some reports on broadway shows, which only started coming to her recently given outsider relationships with the owner. How they even got in with the big names in publishing is beyond her being that they were truly only a single floor operation.

They were a tight knit group, the lot of them, all uniquely working for the success of the company. She’d read and overheard about people that truly hated their jobs in every walk of life, whether on the streets or in a cab, in her favorite places including Poe’s Cafe, people yammered on about how they couldn't stand their positions or commutes or lives in general… but not her. Sure things could be better in terms of pay but she was having the time of her twenties. Good friends, chill lifestyle, what could be better? 

Speaking of good friends, here they came around the bend to meet her. Stacks of quotes in hand, covering each of their laptops, both beaming with excitement as they informed her that the office was being rearranged. 

“Again?” Rey squeaked. Her spot had been the same since she made it there several years ago but watched as everyone around her started shifting around, looking for the best places to work within the office. Her desk happened to be right by the emergency exit and the printing press which meant there was never anyone looking over her shoulder to surprise her. And boy, she could really do without surprises. Being jumped out at or crept up on got her crazy and as much as she likes to keep the control in her life, she could not keep it together in retaliation. 

“Well, I mean… not you. I don’t think purchasing wants to buy you a new anything at this rate.” Paige grinned. 

“What was the last thing you threw at the ceiling?” Rose asked, which Rey groaned and tried changing the subject.

“I love your hair.”

She did love it. That was true. Rose’s hair went from down her back last week to just above her shoulders this week. It flipped up out around her ears and curled naturally around her shoulders accentuating her sweet smile. Truly, it made her look taller and for Rose, that meant the world to her feet and her wallet. 

“Right? I’ve been dying to get her in with my stylist,” Paige added. “Maybe you’ll want to, too?”

“Uh,” Rey started. While she liked Rose’s hair and Paige had always studied the latest trends, she liked her simple look. It wasn’t that simple, she thought at least. Her hair had gotten longer, well, long enough to put up in a chignon which was one of the only buns she’d ever done without a hair tie. That truly was enough. Everyday working scenarios usually had her hair down for long periods of time. It had easily become something to fidget with while she edited articles…

“Maybe you’ll consider before Thursday?” her friend poked her arm as she passed. 

“What’s Thursday?” Rey questioned. 

Both girls turned to face her again. 

“How could you forget?” Rose gasped. 

Shit, what did she forget? A meeting? A trip? What? 

“The show…” Rose prompted. 

What show she thought…. There were plenty of good shows on at the end of the week, why would she need to get dressed up for a show? 

“Good Lord, she did forget!” Paige pulled out her phone. 

“Forget? What?” Rey caved.

“Yea… Rose can you put in for Rey?”

“Put in?”

“You’re taking Thursday off,” Paige replied, “Like the both of us.”

“Now why would I need to do that? Why wouldn’t it be a Friday?”

“Because he’s not out on Friday,” Rose tutted, leaving her laptop and quotes on Rey’s desk.  
Paige was soon to follow, reaching whoever was at the end of the line. The girl went from zero to sixty, speaking nearly in tongues and Rey couldn’t help but feel a little weird about it. 

What was she forgetting?

What was it she wanted to ask Poe? Her mind swirled around in the fog that just settled there. Until Rose returned that is. 

“I cannot believe you spaced on us… like who spaces on Ben Solo?”

“Ben, who?” Rey asks again, bracing herself for the fallout. 

“Paige… you wanna fill her in? Because I just, I just can’t.” Rose started again, “You really don’t remember -er- know what you’re getting into do ya?”

“Getting into?”

Both of them groan around her, then pull up the congratulatory email from Ticketmaster, who had a permanent deal with their boss, Mrs. Holdo, to randomize ticket giveaways to their company. They used to only do it for holiday giveaways, but since their review services and editorials have been managed by Amylin’s team, tickets had been handed out nearly once a week. 

“Listen,” Paige said, closing her eyes while she spoke. “Don’t make that face at me. We’re doing you a favor. We’re all off on Thursday now,” she said with a slight nod in Rose’s general direction. “And believe me, after what you learn today… Thursday won’t come soon enough.”

The girls spent the rest of the day avoiding being moved further than Rey’s cubicle even though the prime seating was out near the balcony. It wasn't a true balcony, really. Rather the building stopped at the thirty-third floor receded on itself, and kept going from the thirty-fourth floor all the way up to the fiftieth. Legitimately, it was considered the rooftop, but the prime location for all smokers and anyone that wanted a chance to break away from their work without being caught riding the elevators just to pass the time. 

Rey rolled her eyes at the thought remembering that one intern that did it so often he knew the other floor’s staff, even the runners there. Ugh, the life of a runner. Next to no one wanted that job. It was all fine and dandy when the weather was warm, spring time was fine, even most summer days and maybe the fall but the second it rained… Maker, there was no saving them or the work. Usually it was printed work too… why email couldnt suffice was beyond her…

“Hey… are you even listening?” Paige quipped, pulling up the next series of images from the play they’d be going to. 

Rey blinked back at her friend’s screen…  
“That’s a nope…” Rose added, reaching for her stylus on the other side of them. “Maybe we should just let her go in blind. You know… get a real feel for things when we get there? Ah!” Rose snatched up her friend’s hand before Rey nibbled on her fingernail. “Nope! Don't bite those…ughhh…”

\----

The next two days were literally the same from morning to night making Rey a little worse for wear. How on earth was she going to deal with these two super fans? ...And why was she going again? 

Other than the sprint to know some guy named Ben Solo based on pictures, gifs, and the smallest bits of responses for interviews, there really was no way to feel emotionally connected like her friends were. Did they not see what idolizing this man was doing to them? Rey rolled her eyes internally again for the umpteenth time, counting down the minutes of quiet she still had at Poe’s before the chaos would begin. 

Kirsta had been sweet enough to offer the house special breakfast sandwich they had just started doing this week on her before leaving Rey to her thoughts. Even Poe backed off which seemed odd… she thought at least. Was she being weird? That’s a dumb question. Of course she was being weird. This whole thing was weird… but going in wouldn’t fix anything. Her vacation day wouldn’t be reinstated, those hours were spent the moment Rose confirmed she’d be off. Going in, Rey snorts, would only have her spending a vacation day at work… 

That wouldn’t do either. 

In fact the only thing that would find her sanity would be going through with this, even if it would be the most painful thing she’d have to do.

Truth be told, it wasn’t horrible to go out with her friends. Paige had it down right. Shopping first, hairdresser, Uber driver ready to get them back to Her place to get dressed, which honestly was a thrilling experience. Rose must have been a saint for putting up with the genuine mess Paige could make in their apartment. Either that or she’d been a master code breaker promising all elements of Paige’s master plan be terminated by the trash can had she left just one more thing on the floor. 

“If I break my ankle,” she cursed a line of profanities strong enough to peel paint, “...and miss the chance to meet Ben Solo,” she grunted again, this time kicking the pair of her skinny jeans across the room with her heels on, “I’m gonna be pissed!”

Paige couldn’t be bothered and it showed, that is, until Rose followed with, “What if he thinks you’re cute and wants to come back for coffee? Yer gonna have to say, ‘oh sorry, I’m a slob,’ and you’ll miss out on whatever chance you had, because with a body like that - that man must be a clean freak, I mean, how could he not?”

The two bickered back and forth all the way up to the moment they’d left. An Uber driver seemed to not be available at that moment making the trip strut their stuff through midtown Manhattan to make it back towards Time Square. Rey found herself at peace, even dressed up, hiking around in her pumps while the girls continued to gush about finally getting to see Ben Solo on stage. They quoted other editorials and the man himself far too excited to pay attention to the odd looks of the passers by.

Thankfully it was a summer night, and while cool, it had still been warm enough to warrant her choice in fashion. Going to Broadway shows, to her, meant semi-formal dress attire. If men were expected to wear suits, then she expected to be allowed to get off with a knee length number even though it was an evening performance. Had it been a black tie affair… well that would change things… but it didn’t matter here and now. What mattered was being there on time and keeping a handle on her friends, because there were reasons to. 

There just were. 

\----

Ben sighed running through his script again. It wasn’t that he didn’t know the show line for line, it was just his way of handling his own demons, the ones that told him constantly that he wasn’t good enough or that he couldn’t possibly be doing this well for his acting alone. He knew what a stardom could do to a man, or woman for that matter… it could put him on a pedestal or hold him down underground. Here in the small dressing room, a pantry of a thing, not much bigger than the walk in closet in his home, he felt safe. Well… he did and he didn’t. It came with the territory. The man in the mirror wasn't the man he grew up knowing. Each story, each act, they all stuck with him in a way, creating alternate realities, people he’d still wonder about in his sleep. If he slept. Coffee had become his liquid courage, the thing that helped him stay up, the only one that truly helped him get through his obstacles but didn't dare allow him the peaceful sleep he needed to move on with his life. 

It was purgatory, he assumed. 

The characters he’d become soon all had a voice, one that would whisper to him far into the night, all of which driving him slowly insane but it was something he could manage so long as he kept himself away from that dreaded mirror. 

Why was it in there with him anyway? The stylist could see his hair, do his makeup… whatever he needed without one, couldnt she? He eyed the reflective glass again, ready to take charge and move it so the back would show, so he could be safe from the voices… so he could be free. And yet, every time he found the courage to do it, he’d get close enough to the frame, catching the slightest glimpse of himself before he succumbed to the roles he’d once been before. 

Some of which held on to pain, fear, abandonment, tolls on his heart he never once bared, but there in the mirror, it told him so. It reminded him of all the lives he’d lived and the only true way out was to accept these qualities as if they were versions of his true self. 

“Mr. Solo?” a man’s voice rang out behind the door. Ben frowned trying to place the sound but couldn't seem to and because of it he stayed quiet. “Mr. Solo, it’s Rian, um Rian Johnson? Um, they just wanted to let you know you’ve got five minutes till curtain.”

Rian? It took him a few moments to figure out who he was but remembered to answer, then listen to him make his way past Ben’s door to the next one, allowing his co-star the same information. 

If tonight’s crowd was anything like a few hours ago, Ben would be out and signing autographs with the promise of one more day under his belt. It would be one more day he completed playing Kylo Ren, one more day he could try letting go of the character, one more day before he could hope for a change. 

While acting was in his blood so to speak, Ben found finding out what made a character relatable the most intriguing part of the job, which meant that he not only practiced that person, but he also felt out the audience. Just last week he found that their sympathy to a man in emotional pain meant that he could explore just how loudly he could scream profanities and allow the urge to become physically aggressive within the limits of safety so to speak. He was able to give into the voices, give performances that furthered his ability to work through his character’s body language and those groups pushed him with their silence, waiting with bated breath to see what he could do. It was empowering…and just everything he needed. 

No matter how he tried though, he couldn’t see them. He couldn't focus on the crowd in the darkness of the theater and it wasn't due to lighting either. He just could not see them, no matter how hard he tried… there was nothing really out there for him besides ticket sales, applause, and a sizeable crowd at the door afterward which diluted his bubble of hope for this round far before it started.

Against better judgement, Ben rose to get out of his room doing his normal once over before making his way out of the dressing room, without the mirror of course. A hand combing through his hair to start, then a pull at the cuffs of his jacket next before opening the door happened right in the doorframe, before taking not one, but two long strides out from it in the direction of the curtain to peak out into the crowd. It was something he did when he was a boy, all that time ago he had wanted to see where his mother and father would sit when they came to his school plays all the way through college and when he had his big break, he wanted to see them for that too, never once really expecting them to show up for every one of these broadway productions. He knew that would be asking far too much from a family that hadn’t had wealth in their wallets but instead in their family. That’s what his mother leaned on and it truly kept him balanced all that while, but now after so much time, he hoped the would have the capability to steady him again. And that’s when he saw her. A beautiful brunet, tall, at least he thought so anyway. Maybe it was the slant in the floor or where she was standing but the girl looked like she was all legs, truly a model’s form matching the rest of her slender body, Ben couldn't help but watch her find her seat, only to make his presence known by tugging a little too hard on the material around him. 

Shit. 

The sound of chatter raised up, women’s voices escalating making him panic all that much more. Not to sound like a child, but their response had made it hard to breath. They did come to see him after all… but being found like this, it put him in a place he couldn't recover from. He was supposed to be in control, in charge of his life, and here, where women squealed for the chance to be in the same room as him threw the man off kilter. His cheeks had warmed terribly and if anyone broke the unspoken rule about taking photos while he’d been on stage, they would see just how much it affected him too. Ben was hyper aware of his body’s reaction to all things embarrassing. How if his face flushed, it meant his body would turn an awful tint of pink along with it until the burning in his cheeks would finally fade. It wasn't a pigment he wanted to share with anyone, especially not a room full of women that would “aww” the living daylights out of him. 

Instead he pulled himself back together and got ready for the show. 

Something about being out there wasnt as calming as he thought it would be. He thought he could just start it up the same way he’d always done, only to find out that both the character and his patience was putting along. A war began to manifest under his skin. It sang through his veins and screamed with his lungs until he could see her. The girl he’d spotted, she’d been so close, just on the very edge of his vision, past the curtain of the stage light, he’d seen her jump. He’d scared her. 

Oh no, he thought, just past the lines of his character. Don’t be afraid, little one, he said with the shape of his eyes, he blinked hoping a silent apology would help the girl relax. 

Her eyes were wide, locking with his when they reopened. He’d watched as her hands fell from where she covered her mouth, a flicker of color on her fingertips helped guide his eye to her parted lips. Even here, with her shrouded in darkness, he knew she was divine. The lines of the play made their way out of him, doing the best performance of his life so that she’d deem him worthy of her time. He’d do anything for it. 

Intermission came sooner than he’d realized, leaving him once again to feel the need to look between the fabric there. This time he’d been far more discreet, now that he knew about her and certainly that there was a connection there. No one else this far reacted to him the same way, and even when the women she came with started screwing with their phones and taking selfies, he couldn’t have been more proud to notice her looking over her shoulder and back at him instead of focusing on her friends. 

Her gaze gave him a power he’d never known. She looked as though she’d truly been struck by his performance, by him… it left a savory taste in his mouth which soon begged the question concerning who she was and why she had such an effect on him. 

Time rolled on and so did his performance. He found himself acting the part of his character to the “T” while holding her gaze at every turn. He’d been so entranced by it, by her that he couldn’t see anyone else. There was no sound. Only her. And by the time the final curtain fell, he’d been surprised by it. Each nerve ending sang with nervous energy, even through their applause. He’d only listen for hers, as if he knew what it sounded like apart from the crowd. He’d only look for her when the wave of people stood only to find the several men who’d joined their partners through this endeavor had been just tall enough to block her from him. It made his heart beat faster while he watched her excuse herself to the isle to give him another try, to show him how she appreciated his hard work. 

It made him pray, and he was no praying man, to any deity he could to hope that she stayed after just for the chance to be closer… to maybe extend his gratitude to her specifically for coming. Maybe she would take up an offer if his to go out for coffee with him, anything to be in her presence just that much longer. 

And yet, after he’d done his final bow, cleaned himself up, because no beautiful woman should smell even a fraction of his sweat unless she’d been the one to call for it, before heading excitedly to the alley door. There he was greeted by his adoring fans, each of which he gracefully gave his time to, smiling, thanking them for coming, bashfully accepting their compliments, only to notice not a single one of them had been her. 

Ben looked up just briefly to find her just past the crowd, clutching her little envelope of a purse, hand over hand, in front of her while she marveled at the lights at the side of the building. Her chin tilted back, letting her gaze lift from it to the evening sky. He couldn’t help his curiosity and did the same seeing not one but two stars in the light polluted night sky. Ben smirked sadly at this, wishing to give her so much more than the two she could see before his vision dipped down her neck, past the sharp but shallow v neck of her midnight blue, satin dress that hugged her curves fantastically. 

Ben, with the grace of his training, remembered his bodyguard, asking the man to do him a favor and inquire about the young woman on the sidewalk. It took so much more of him to ask than it should have but out it went, and so did his guard. Several more people had been seen before his guard got to the woman, startling her from her thoughts. He found it endearing that she’d been so surprised by someone approaching her, then immediately bad for him. Ben took it as a note to himself, if they ever did meet up anywhere, not to scare her, because soon after she jumped, the girl threw a powerful right that made him want to excuse himself from the line. 

Several moments passed and she’d furiously apologized, making absolutely sure the man was alright and even fawned over him, an act Ben wished she would do for him someday. Not that he ever wanted to be on the receiving end of her knuckle sandwich, but it did sound rather good to be cared for by her. And so he watched on as his guard tried and failed to give the girl his number like he’d been asked to. Instead she covered her lips in the same way she did in the theater then shook her head, assuring him that Mr. Ben Solo couldn’t have possibly wanted anything to do with her. Her only response to it being that she was truly no one from nowhere. 

Her eyes flick towards him but never quite make it to his eyes, roaming the walls and up back to the sky. There she waited, and waited until it was her friend’s turn to gain his attention. He’d seen her stop admiring it to look down at her feet, it was as if she knew she’d be leaving and then, just as quickly as he’d offered a phone back to a fan and looked back, she was gone. 

Ben’s heart dropped into his shoes and managed to do the rest of his appearance before retiring back into the building. 

She’d left… she left without even saying goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

It shouldn’t have been as devastating as it felt. Strangers pass in the night every moment of every day, especially here in New York City, and still, it burned as if she’d stabbed him in the heart with a branding iron. 

It’s thrown him. 

That’s for sure. 

Women, mostly women lined that back gate trying to get his time, the very time he was sure she’d be there too only making him wonder that much more about this one. Ben was sure that she felt something, that she would have said it. The woman looked like the type, especially after the attention his guard got. And yet she floats in his mind, trying his damnedest to commit the memory of her to his. 

What was left of the dwindling crowd was nodded at, pictures were taken, play bills signed but not one conversation stuck quite the way that they used to. There were nights earlier that week that he’d learned just how far people had come from to see him perform, the very mention of it firmed his grip on reality cementing him in roles he’d questioned even now. It made him feel like he was doing the right things in terms of his career and that never went without a humbled thank you. Those people never knew what they were doing for him, so he’d smile and give them more of his time, within reason, of course. 

In some ways it felt like his family was there, even if they werent. 

Despite how confusing acting could be, how trapped he could feel, it really was for the fans… the ones that felt like family anyway.

Now though, he was at odds with himself. What did he do to be so rejected. It wasn't even that she said no either. His bodyguard said she referred to herself as nobody. 

That couldn't be true. 

Did she not know how beautiful she was? No one from nowhere… it just seemed like such a sad thing to say...as if she believed it. 

Ben turned after his final signature and wished the person goodnight before slipping back in the side doors. There he managed to keep quiet, his heavy steps thundered in his ears but were truly silent on his walk back to his changing room. Why were they so loud? Was it the rejection? 

No, he couldn't believe it was that. She didn't say no to him. She said nothing quite like no to anyone, not even his guard truly got a negative answer suggesting she didn't want to spend time with him. 

Ben slung his leather jacket on, one arm at a time, flipped up the collar high as if he could hide in it, grabbed his black baseball cap, and dark shades to make it back to his driver without being seen. His eyes always gave away whether or not his scowl was real. His mother mentioned it years ago, he smiled a moment at that. Ben’s face was easiest read when his eyes were seen. They were the truest windows to his soul in every aspect of the saying, and so, he made sure to always have a pair on him, especially at night when the light of the city could throw him just on an angle. 

From the door to the car, hes counted, are literally seven even strides. For a man his size he shouldn't have to worry about his safety moving from the building but after a role several years back, Ben found himself hyper aware of crowds, especially erratic ones, until he was carefully seated in the comfort of his driver’s SUV. 

While he was on Broadway for this, he had found himself living close by. It only made sense, especially given the traffic the city provides and the impressive amount of hours he’d required himself to practice on stage before the first showing. Ben, the perfectionist that he was, he had been known to push his co-stars just as hard as he pushed himself. He wanted their success and wasn't about leading the show in a way that overpowered their positions, even if he was perceived in that way. 

His mind lingered there in the folds of perception, wondering if he’d gotten the girl all wrong. What if she was just there to see the play? What if what they had wasn't chemistry at all? He admitted it would break his heart, that sweet little person sitting there in a trance responding only to him, the thought of which made him feel beyond special. He felt a warmth spread through his veins at the mention of no longer being alone, not with her. She would never make him feel alone, and yet she’d started the battle within him. 

Ben’s eyes flicked up towards the red light from his spot in the back seat, then to the empty one next to him. He wondered if she’d want to sit close to him there or at the furthest possible spot, in the bucket seat of the door beside him. Looking at that space seemed so far. He shook his head, promising himself shed be close, a lady, maybe snuggling into the side of him, but not that far from him - not by the window. 

Most of his night is made up of the same questions and decisions making it difficult for him to focus on anything else. Simple tasks have him looking up or over his shoulder and smiling at a figment of his imagination. He isn't even sure what to call her and wishes she’d give herself a name, but she’s quiet, not even there, and yet he still holds on. 

The girl stays with him furthermore into the night, follows him into his room to explore it as he thinks she would. It’s sparse, clean, not much to really examine but his custom king sized bed to help him get the rest a man of his size deserves. He imagines the way she’d smile, the way her eyes would light up when he’d ask her to stay. 

Had anyone heard him he was sure they would think he was crazy, talking to no one, inviting them into his bed to stay. What they would hear were the pleas of the insane, but what he heard was the inner workings of love at first sight. Not that he believed in it, but there he was, shedding his clothes as a desperate attempt for her to see him - to feel him… to stay. 

Ben’s heart was open. 

Painfully so. 

Welcoming her in… and even bathing in her silence, he hadn’t felt alone. Not really. 

He imagined her stepping out of her clothes to shrug on his shirt. The joy that alone had created deep within his heart had been surprising, and again he hoped, oh how he hoped she was like this for real. Continuing on he’d welcomed her to bed, smoothing out not only the blanket he’d crawled under with her, but also the throw found at the bottom of his bed, thinking she only deserved the best, and that was exactly how he would treat her. 

Even if she was just an outline of hope promising a sanity he hasn't known in so long. 

There, Ben breathed into the pillow beside him, wishing the smell of it was something sweeter, something to reflect who he believed she could be, until he found himself fast asleep far earlier than he ever had been while unmedicated. 

  
  


The girl visited him in his dreams chasing far off places with him too. He found himself open to trying activities and foods he’d surely seen on television or elsewhere he promised himself he would never do, but if she wanted to, he would. Ben found himself head over heels with this woman by the time he woke, ready to do anything to get a hold of her, but soon talked himself out of it, the image of her frowned sadly when he did. 

“I know,” he answered the woman. 

She pouted in a way he was sure she would. 

“I would sound crazy. Don’t I sound crazy to you?” he asked and she barely moved, her wide eyes glued to his while he continued. “They would lock me away for stalking you. Baby, you’d have to be willing to see me if I did that and I don't know that you truly are.”

It hurts to say it outloud, but now he was at work and couldn't be cuddly with her imagined form, no matter how he pretended she was with him, she wasn't. If no one could see her here, then he had to control himself. His eyes flicked to where they stood, to the mirror, then down again, hearing himself in the process. 

“I’ll see you at home, Baby,” he dismissed her. Ben stiffened when he said it, watching her caress his arm before vanishing behind him without a word.

He couldn’t turn fast enough. Just like that, his dream girl was gone.

“No,” he whined, then truly hoped she was at home, waiting for him.

. . . 

Several weeks had gone by and the memory of her stayed with him at night while he could focus on the silence of his surroundings. 

But that was it. He found himself doing the bare minimum in terms of work just to get back, just to lay with her in the shelter of his dreams, praying for the day he’d happen to see her again. 

“I’m sorry,” he’d whisper, hoping she would come back to him in the daytime. He’d do his best not to make a scene when she wouldn't show. “Do I have to say it?” he paused looking around him. “I need you...okay?” 

There’s nothing now. 

It’s as if her essence had finally faded from him, unable to relight his desperate soul. 

A heavy knock on his door makes him jump and there he is again, ready to start the show. 

He watches as the curtain is drawn, the familiar heat here warming his skin only to softly catch on the shimmer of light just far enough off the stage guiding his eyes right to her. 

It was her. 

_ She came back.  _

Is that why he couldn’t see her when he’d admitted his need? Was it a message? 

Ben promised her his attention, his eye pulling back to hers every chance he’d gotten. He fought the need to leave, to make a scene, to find her in the crowd, introduce himself, tell her how he’s dreamed of her return. His heart fluttered, his need reawakened screaming in his ears an unnecessary reminder of how he couldn’t let her go this time.

It was a flash of a shadow that crept into his mind, something that told him to look back at her now that he couldn’t feel the weight of her stare, only to find one of the handful of men in attendance had been right next to her. 

He exhaled slowly through his nose, his lips sealed tight as he turned to face them. He watched her give a similar challenging look. Her eyes wide first, then lowering to slits staring at where he’s grazed her leg.

Ben felt the need to lunge at the man but watching her had entrapped him just so. Her scowl and how she warned him had been easily the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

A woman in the city capable of looking out for herself hadn’t exactly been something he’d seen a lot of - to that level, he corrects himself. There were plenty in the audience that were completely fine, he was sure, but his girl was ready for a fight. Here, where they were dressed as perfect, sophisticated versions of themselves, she was still warning the man with expert level precision.

Ben watched on long enough to catch the eyes of the man flick up to his and immediately dropped as if he caught the warning burning there. He sure hoped the man did at least. The girl was his even if he hadn’t spoken to her yet. Not successfully anyway. 

The room had gone silent waiting for his performance to pick up again and the stage manager even looked concerned just to the side of the curtain, tucked away but known. He could feel their worry, hear the murmurs begin, but Ben was an expert in his craft, picking back up as if nothing happened. 

She noticed though. 

His girl would.

She would be in tune with him, know his surroundings as well as he did. And so finishing up became his only focus. He’d do what he had to in order to get back to her. Maybe she’d stand in line for him this time. 

His heart filled with joy, the same that filled him in her absence, but more now, repeating to himself about the very fact that she came back. 

Ben could feel it. The itch to get to the side door. The need to find her. 

\---

Rey couldn't believe her luck. 

Three weeks ago her review gained a public spotlight. She’d heard people repeat her words, excitedly ready to purchase their tickets for the weeks to come, but it felt strange to her. 

Weren’t they going to go regardless? 

She wondered about that night, the way the crowd looked for him, them… but mostly him. She listened while she stood away from the pack. It overwhelmed her, the thoughtfulness of it all… and yet, something about it made her think about him specifically. Besides his responses to them, he looked confused, concerned almost, like focusing was hard. Or the change of space was… maybe it was overwhelming. Rey knew it could be like that at work. He wasn't the first celebrity she’d come into contact with. It’s not like it was an unheard of sight, given her location and work, but something about him spoke to her in the images her friends showed her and her own research before the show. 

He just looked  _ distant _ . He was there in form but so, so far away. 

And so she found a place where she could study him from afar while she waited for her friends.

She remembers how giddy they were when they returned to her side, showing her what he’d signed for them, then gave her hell for not being there because he was “so nice”. 

Of course he's being nice, she shrugged. They went to see his show. Someone else bought the seats, they supported him by being there. Any person in theater would agree that is the dream, to have an audience there for them. 

“Yeah,” she agreed. “He looked nice.” 

Her friends gushed all the way back, their commute not silencing them at all. 

In the time that passed, she’d been given more to do but hadn't been out. Stressing about editing novels for print and before she knew it she was well into the next month. 

_ “Girl,” Paige pulled her laptop right from her.  _

_ Rey protested with a growl and saved her coffee from falling in the process.  _

_ “That is your third cup this hour,” Paige continued.  _

_ “Yeah and it's not helping anyone. You’re literally feral over here,” Rose chimed in.  _

_ “You’re working too hard,” Paige started.  _

_ “Deadlines,” Rey flatly returned.  _

_ “I dunno if it’s that,” Rose leaned against her desk. “It’s something else.” _

_ The girls ran through her usual day asking if she was able to do her usual things. Her mornings hadn’t changed much. Krista was still just the best. Poe was in and out of his shop making sure all orders were filled for the next delivery, she hadn’t been asked anything out of the blue. No one stopped her from her usual activities at all actually, so what was it? She just seemed so upside down. _

_ “Hey, why don't we go out tonight? See a show?” Rose suggested.  _

_ Paige could only light up further, “OhmygodcanwegobacktoseeBenSolo?” Her question came in as high pitched as a school girl promising they could go through the same treatments, “-actually, let's leave now.” _

_ “All three of us, at the same time?” Rose laughed, “No one would say yes to that.” _

_ “But my deadline is Tuesday morning and this is-” Rey protested. She did not want to work over the weekend.  _

_ “I’ll do it.” Paige rushed out. “Anything, just lets go!” _

That night she’d worn a shimmering steel blue dress that seemed to cool her while bathing in the heat of her nerves. Paige had her hair done, with a do that made her feel like more than she was. It exposed her in a way that made it hard to hide behind it. While Rey was a firm believer that her hair up in a bun was fine, Paige made absolutely sure it most was down, cascading over one shoulder without the capability of the other. Holding it together was a hair clip that reminded her of the stars that night. Simple, delicate, but ensured she felt as together as she could, facing this actor again. 

Idly she wondered if she was just a thought that night, or if she was more. No one really responded to her in such a way, besides her friends, that is. But they were women, all but Poe. But Poe was something else to her. Not just a friend, more like, a brother which in this big city, it was impressive how alone she could feel, even having them so near. 

Her thoughts swept to the side as they entered. Rey found herself nodding at a familiar face. The guard she nailed. Again she mouthed “I’m sorry,” as if he remembered her. His eyes were distant too, which made her feel slightly foolish. 

No one remembers. 

Part of her is relieved, but somehow Rey felt the sting there. 

If a man couldn't remember being punched, and Ben Solo was similar to his protection, there was no way the man would remember her either. 

Rey walked through the mouth of the theater, into the belly, smiling at her friends when they looked back at her, but couldn't feel connected to this place, no matter how hard she tried. The moment they found their seats, she’d grimaced. They were so close this time. 

Her heart fluttered at the possibility of being noticed, but that was so long ago. He wouldn't remember she told herself again. 

“I-uh,” she started. 

“Everything okay, Rey?” Rose asked, concern on her face. 

“Yeah, I’m just going to use the ladies room. I’ll be right back,” she promised. 

“Do you want us to come with you?” Paige offered.

“Oh, no. I’m okay. I’m sure it's not far. I’ll be back before you know it,” she promised. 

On her turn back up the ramp, her eyes caught the curiosity of that same pair of eyes, now questioning her. Rey could feel her eyes widen, ready to apologize again, but this time she offered a small side wave before rushing past him.

Part of her felt a little better when he’d returned the gesture but couldn't place why. Maybe she wasn't truly alone. Not really anyway. 

Maybe he would say something to Ben. 

What kind of crazy thought was that?

After a minute in the line for the ladies room, Rey overheard women talking about how they wished they were his mistress, if he was into any of that - they’d never applied it. Never saw him as a person, she was sure, and it bothered her enough to leave the line. 

“You alright, Miss?” a deep familiar voice came from behind her. 

“Yea, I’m fine. Thanks for… asking,” she paused, turning back to look at the man. 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, again,” he smiled. A small bit of laugher poured from him and Rey immediately felt better. 

“You know, that was absolutely mortifying,” she said. “I can't apologize enough for that, I’m certain of it,” she matched his smile. 

“I’m Geof, but everyone here calls me G,” he said extending his hand to shake hers. 

“Hi, Geof,” she was sure to say. “I’m Rey.”

“Good to meet you Rey,” he replied, then asked if she needed anything specifically. 

“A xanax, honestly. How do you deal with crowds like this?” his smile widens when she continues, “The things they say? I mean half of them, oof, I don't know that I’d be  _ that _ giving of my bedroom appetite with anyone.”

He was holding back, Rey knew. Poe did the same thing. Chuckling into his hand that now covered his mouth. 

“Is that how people go around introducing themselves these days? _Hi, I’m Rey, and this is a list of my kinks._ _Call me.”_

Geof snorted, agreeing with her about some of the wild things he’d heard until the lights dimmed and they parted ways. 

Her friends were the biggest offenders of their conversations and would most certainly have thrown it in a way calling the two of them prude but for what it was worth, she felt rejuvenated now, ready to take on the rest of their night.

The show had been exactly what she remembered. Her friends dying to chatter about how hot Ben was up on stage but while their eyes followed him wherever he went, their mouths hung slightly open, she could only imagine they were drooling over him to make up for lost time. She wasn’t far from it either really, but she kept her lips pressed closed trying to keep herself from doing the same. 

A man beside her that she hadn’t noticed, not really, beside the initial expectation that he would move so she could sit with her group when she returned from her conversation with Geof, ever so lightly brushed her hand, she supposed at first that he’d been looking for the arm rest. She moved from it folding her hands in her lap instead, only to be touched lightly again. His shoulder pressed against hers, a true stretch from his skinny form, who sat comfortably upright within the narrow chairs as it was. He had no need to do it. None, but still he tried. Rey shifted in her seat, whispering to her friend Rose who sat on the other side of her about the situation. 

“Punch him,” she returned, just loud enough for the man to hear, straightening him out with a grunt. 

Enough time had passed and here came the intruder again, this time his knee nudged hers, so she pursed her lips, dragged her eyes from the source of her happiness, and slapped her knee against his own. It wasn't subtle. There was enough movement now that it called the attention of Ben Solo himself, he caught her, saw something, maybe, she thought it wasn't her necessarily. If it took Geof time to recognize her, certainly Ben Solo would, if she was of any importance to him at all, maybe she’d have a chance. 

Rey could feel it before it happened. Ben’s eyes locked on hers even as he ripped the connection focusing on the man beside her who had been reaching for her leg with his hand this time. 

“Don’t,” her look cut through the darkness to the man, surprised by Geof’s hand which now clapped the man’s shoulder. 

Not another word passed and he was gone. 

Neither returned and Rey reclaimed the arm of the chair once again, thinking of just how sweet Geof was to keep an eye on her. 

He didn't have to do that. 

Ben had continued with his performance now with new vigor, she noticed, and hoped that he was just as good to Geof as Geof was to her. The thought of the good deed had been building in her mind while she’d watched the rest of the show, and could only wonder more about Ben Solo and his life outside of the theater. 

What if there was more to this life than a search, or a few photos could tell? What if she was missing something? What if she hurt him the way she hurt Geof? Her skin prickled at the thought. Sure she had to stand her ground with this bozo tonight, but it didn't mean she was higher than anyone, and certainly didn't want to make him feel bad, or like he was under her. 

The thought made her flush… that is not what she meant. 

Even her mind was playing dirty tricks on her. 

It was time to silence it with applause and hope that maybe, just maybe, he’d forgive her for that. 

. . . 

Like last time she stood away from the crowd. 

Rey gave them their space, knowing full well his fans paid for the opportunity to see him and so forth, but it didn’t mean it didn’t sting a little. She’d spent enough time imagining herself as the lead actress, finding herself jealous of her access to him, but quickly swallowed it. There was no need for a fake relationship biting at her soul and ruining what comfort she’d come to know in her life.

But still watching their thirty seconds of joy passed through her in a way that seemed to hollow her out. Was it weird to want a connection with someone she didn't truly know? 

Rey grimaced at that, then caught Geof’s eye. He side waved at her making her feel the need to let him feel seen. Even if she wasn't sure if she, herself, wanted to be. 

Her movement had been seen though, his eye caught hers, the way his lips parted in surprise, or at least that's how she read him, that she came back, made her shiver. 

“Hi,” he mouthed to her. 

Rey smiled softly, her eyes widening just enough to make him straighten. 

“Hi,” she repeated to him. 

It was as if he needed that. She watched him try to excuse himself, asking that he get a moment with her, but Geof put his hands on Ben’s forearms explaining that now was not the time and that he’d ask Rey to stay.

  
“Rey?” he repeated, her name on his lips warmed her. He knew it now at least, she thought. 

“I’ll explain later, sir,” is all she caught before he nodded. They knew what they had to do. Service the people and move on. For a short moment she felt like more than them and then back to nothing the moment he’d gone back to focusing on them. 

She stayed, however, waiting for her friends as she did last time, but this time she hadn't expected to come across a lingering crowd. What were they doing? They got what they wanted, didn't they? 

Their group moved slightly then around the corner and she couldn't help but feel the need to follow. Some of the things that were said made her skin crawl, but still she needed to know if what they were planning to do was something they’d follow through on. Some mentioned how they would  _ take one for the team _ , rushing him as he made it to his car that night. Rey bit back the need to turn and find Geof, if it was true, who knew what else they were capable of. 

This was New York City after all. There were enough weirdos out there, she thought, and he didn't need to be tracked down by this pack of horny uteruses. Rey rolls her eyes at the thought. No one needed that, not even the most flamboyant stars did. She imagined the pictures she’d seen of him and felt the absolute need to look after him, and so she waited. 

Rose and Paige both called her phone when they were done, looking for her, but they went ignored. She’d been so immersed here… waiting… 

Time passed horribly slowly, hoping they’d just turn and go, but to no avail, they stayed strong as their comments. Did they truly intend on seeing their plans through or were they all talk? 

A thin one, shapely, but just as thin as herself had lurched forward, her eyes locked on the large man that had left the building, his shoulders hunched as if he’d been kicked in the stomach. Rey’s heart broke for Ben, hoping it wasn't her that made him curve into himself like that. He’d been so excited to see her, she thought at least. Her memory served her at the wrong moment, missing how the woman made her way to chase him to his waiting vehicle. 

She’d rounded it, trying to get to him and she’d seen it, his discomfort, just as it had been in all of those photos. 

Ben?

His name echoed in her mind. 

Rey began to move calling for Geof. 

“Help!” she shouted, kicking out of her heels to move towards them, the golden lights of the theater highlighting her way back towards a familiarity she’d needed now. 

“Rey, woah!” her new friend rounded the doorway, putting up his hands to try to visually slow her down. The sight of her made him uneasy, “Where’s your shoes?” he started. 

“Help him,” Rey pointed, as the girl slipped in the other door.

Ben backed out of the open door, startled at the commotion. He looked at her as if she caused his trauma, making Rey step back, her hair tumbling down out of her clip enough to drop it from her in her movement. 

“What’s going on here?” Ben put up his arms in that way, the same way Geof did. 

They, they thought she was crazy, she knew it.

“Unless you’ve invited her, there’s a woman in your car that…” she shook her head. “No one should feel threatened, not like you look... and I can assure you I did or I wouldn’t have bothered…” Rey muttered then turned, realizing how out of sorts she’d been, making a scene like this here in front of them. She started off in another direction ready to lose this memory, ducking her head as she went, passing the group of women she followed to retrieve her shoes and escape the heat of everyone’s glare. 

Rey made her way down into the mess of people walking by as if nothing had happened. Foot traffic had swallowed her whole, helping her disappear into the night. 

How foolish was she? Rey thought. No one would have been so braizen to do what that woman had done. 

Right?

Maybe she was just the one he picked that night. 

That stung. 

Oh, it  _ stung _ . 

And there in the hundreds of people she passed that night, Rey let go of this pitiful crush and raced the rest of the way home. 


	3. Chapter 3

Ben stands dumbfounded on the sidewalk next to his ride, searching the glittering flecks of it for answers as if he had a chance to find them at all. His feet were heavy, nearly rooted where he stood making it difficult to move, to breathe. In fact, his anxiety purred in his ear, stirring a ray of emotions that shoved him well into last month when their eyes met for the first time. 

The girl had been startled then but there was a softness to her. This time, she, well she fought to face him, fought to release him too… but he’d still been so confused about it. 

What were her words? 

Ben hadn’t heard much besides a hint of Geof’s words of wisdom, the man he’d come to know over the course of the last three months had been helping him regain a shred of peace that lived in the knowledge that he shared with him. 

Rey was funny, down to earth, and respectable. They were things he counted as being important in a human being and maybe they’d cross paths again. It was certainly something Ben hoped as the words came out of his friend’s mouth. Ben hoped, wholeheartedly, that she would stay past their shared greeting but again felt the pain of her leaving far before the crowd thinned. It was hard enough the first time, he thought, but the second was far worse… Geof’s words were just barely helping him get through the rest of the night when he’d seen her again. 

Ben’s heart leapt into his throat watching her scramble, listening to her broken speech patterns then throw herself far out of reach before he could ever move. 

“What happened?” he yelled, unable to control his emotions now. 

Geof looked around his thick form, pushing Ben aside to find what Rey’d been on about. A woman was there, her expression amused - unashamed, as if this was the plan. Move in and take. Ben bent backwards to follow, his eyes landing on hers as she peeled out of her dress only to halt when he bellowed, “Who the hell are you?”

He watched the woman scramble, the driver nodding to Geof to shut the door, then made to lock it, keeping her in the back seat as if they’d just caught a wild animal there. Within minutes the onlookers Rey had pushed through dispersed, a pair of cop cars double teamed the area proceeding with their duties as trained professionals would, only to leave him wondering where Rey’d gone again. 

“I need to know what you know, Geof,” Ben raked his thick fingers through his hair, snagging them on several knots on the way through. He’d been through enough tonight that the stop and pull had him ready to scream and not because of the pain. 

“Man, I told you what I know,” he paused. “Rey, she’s like the sun. I know you know. You look at her like she's the one who hung the stars.”

Geof stops all his forward thinking when he hears a couple of women getting frustrated by the door across from him. They’re standing under the awning which is the best lit place on the strip to make sure they’re safely tucked somewhere so they don't get run over by the thickened crowds passing through. One too many purse snatchers had Rose fully aware of her surroundings now and opted for this space because of it. 

“Rey?” the taller of the two called her name into the phone.

Ben turned, dying to approach them, but Geof landed a hand on his torso keeping him from proceeding. 

“Don’t scare them,” he warned.

“Scare them?” he questioned. “Who’s afraid of me?”

“Ben, it’s night time. You’re an oversized man they don't know,” he said bobbing a bit with every word, which idly made him think of his mother who did the same thing. 

“So, what do I do? Ignore the chance I have at finding her?” Ben’s worry strained over his features making his friend feel bad for him. 

  
“No, no…” he paused, “but I don't think you should run at them. Let’s just listen and see if she’s alright - if they look distressed we should give them their space…”

Ben couldn't sit back though. Rey’d already been in distress, something he's not sure that he caused but it sits heavily in his mind that he did.

He remembers the way she looked at him, addressed him, and it made him move slowly, carefully towards them. He pulled up a mitt of his to gauge their skittishness, offering a ‘hello’ that made a child’s one seem like it could have been in more control than he currently felt. 

It took them a moment. 

One looked curiously at the other before recognizing who it was. 

“No shit,” Rose said before her mouth dropped open. 

“Close that before you catch flies,” Paige retorted, dialing Rey’s number again. There she waited with her mouth close to the speaker, waiting for Rey to pick up and yet she still didn't. Instead, it went to voicemail, and Paige just had it with the dramatics. ‘Rey, if you don't pick up, I’m calling the police. You have five minutes.” She pressed the red button on the face of her phone to end the call and then looked up to see what Rose had been gaping at, only to school herself before getting lost in thought too.

Ben’s hello came out in a whisper and immediately felt self-conscious about it.

The girls who he had several conversations with and signed even unrelated things like plates he absolutely wanted to know what for mirrored his response, making him feel like less of an idiot and more like a human. 

It was an odd feeling as he was - is a human… but he’d been in so many other positions over the years he began feeling alien to himself. 

“Y-you’re friends with Rey?” he bluntly asks, watching both of their mouths close and press into firm lines. 

Shit. 

“I’m, I just wanted to see if she was alright. She took off in a panic and…” 

“Fuck,” Paige started. Her phone rang in her hand. 

“What?” Rose turned to look at Paige. 

Her friend only put up her finger to silence Rose and answer her phone. 

“It’s Poe…” she says to Rose. “I can’t right now,” she answers him and hangs up. 

Her phone rings again. 

“Don’t hang up! You do and I’m making you pay for the cake pops I dropped trying to call last time.”

“You have a minute. I’m waiting on Rey to call me back.”

“It’s why I called. She’s here. Looks like she’s just been dumped. Who’s the fa-“

“You’re on speaker phone…”

“Uh-huh.”

“Out in public.”

“Great, well some dickwad-“

“That’s not better,” Paige warned. 

“I don’t care if it’s better! You don’t think I should be watching my mouth? I’m at work! ‘N no one gives a damn ‘bout what I said, cuz it’s me. My shop, my shit, my mouth. You got me?”

“Yeah, yeah? I bet the only other person there is Kirsta.”

“No,” Poe argues, his tough guy attitude dropped the “o” like a flat tire. “There’s that guy from the U-Park a block down and Johnny from,” Paige hears him wrestle with the phone calling to some guy named Johnny about where he’s from before returning to the line. “And Johnny from the Upper East Side, but he’s here waitin for some Uber to pick him up - Ay! See you later Johnny!”

Rose rolled her eyes and waited for the man to stop speaking. 

“Point is, Rey was fuckin thrilled to be out with you two rambling with Kirsta about some guy, she was lookin forward to seein again and then fuckin shows up without her damned shoes on like she,” Poe paused again clearing his throat and pressing the phone down into his shoulder. Distantly, he sounded so at least, he gave a command, “No, you sit down. When you’re ready to go, you go with me or Kirsta. You’re not going home by yourself. Not tonight. Not the way you look. The freaks are out now,” he was serious but knew to chuckle even if it was nervously. 

“Poe?” Paige tried to interrupt. “Poe! Let me talk to her,” the woman’s patience grew thin, finally looking up at the towering man in front of her. Her initial reaction was a swift kick in the shin. Didn’t he know not to get so close? But then apologized as if her life depended on it. 

Ben groaned feeling his skin welt due to the contact she made to his leg with the jagged edge of her warn edge of her heel.

Geof was right.

“Oh! Oh, shit! Paige!” Rose started shaking her hands out to her sides. “Oh my God, Mr. Solo! Holy shit, Paige are you serious?”

“You know I would never, but, what the fuck man youre literally a giant and in a litte woman’s face at night. You’re lucky I’m not carrying pepper spray or a fucking taser!” she wailed. 

Again Ben’s hindbrain agreed, Geof was right…

Hissing just slightly, Ben finally introduced himself, shaking each of their hands one at a time and catching them up to speed on what happened as well as the last moment he’d seen her. 

“She just… disappeared,” Ben pouted. 

“Oh my God,” Rose whispered, whipping out her phone to type out the longest damned text message of her life. 

Ben looked on for a moment reading, “Babe, you’ve got it all wrong…” and somewhere deep within his heart, he hated the idea of anyone using that form of a pet name on her when it wasn't him. He could call her baby, well if she wanted him to. 

“Listen, I’m on my way, don’t go anywhere, with anyone. You got me?” Paige spoke into her speaker phone.

“Yeah, yeah... “ Rey repeated herself sounding far less like the woman who had approached his bodyguard, and more broken… making him remember just how his replica of her must have felt when she left him. But this one, Rey, she was real, and there was nothing he wouldn't do to get back to her. 

“Can I give you a ride?” His question far louder than he had expected it to be, startled the group, but was soon accepted. “I’d like to apologize to your friend, and fix this night, if possible. And if a ride could be the beginning of that, I’d like to offer one.”

Rose’s smile widened and light flickered in Paige’s, “So long as you aren't a weirdo with a blade somewhere, I think we’ll take you up on that Mr. Solo.”

Ben wasn't sure how to handle that and when Rose had filled him in that it was a gang thing, surprised that he didn't ever watch the news and worked in the city. “You have to be up on this shit, Mr. Solo,” she scolded him making Geof laugh as they piled in the now emptied SUV. 

“Ben,” he corrected her. “Please, just call me Ben.”

Ben didn't miss the way he felt when offering his first name to them as if they didn't know it, or needed to be to stop calling him by his last name. He also didn't miss the way he felt as if he reconnected with his very being, remembering and using his first name. 

That’s new, he thought, looking out the window at the space on the sidewalk that surely changed his life that night. 

“So, um, not to be forward or anything, but… what can you tell me about Rey?”

. . . 

Both Rey and Kirstra are in her favorite spot, the chair being the oversized thing it was made it easy to be close but not suffocatingly so. Kirsta sat beside her sipping her iced coffee and listening to every sigh Rey blew out of her as if it would strike up some valuable conversation. All she wanted to do was be there for her friend and Rey wasn’t exactly ready to let anyone in. It still just hurt too bad. 

How foolish could she be? 

Her, no one, from the belly of the beast. Besides her closest friends and Poe, no one would find her here, and it was stupid to think that a beautiful, talented actor would find her, a speck of flesh in this steel world, important in any way. She was just a paid seat, that was all. A face in the crowd, a replaced woman… her heart seethed at that image. 

It played out in front of her eyes, how in shock he was that she’d pursued him, how the woman looked at him as if she knew him. Rey exhaled then rubbed her forearms with her palms trying to help calm herself down. 

All the while, Kirsta’s phone buzzed, her boyfriend surprised the both of them with his face pressed up against the glass for added effect. 

Kirsta waved excitedly at him and smiled goofily, while Rey could only feel the pit of desperation eat at her more, she still offered her best wishes that they had a good night. Kirsta stiffened, promising that boys, including hers can be stupid. Just after she’d said it, she watched her cringe when all five foot ten of him pressed his face against the glass leaving a giant grease mark she knew she’d have to clean before they left. 

“I swear if he had to clean it he would still do it, just to do it. Idiots… I’m telling you. Testosterone is an enabler,” KIrsta snorted but also appreciated knowing she’d been the one that returned a grin to her friend’s lips. “Ah, there it is.”

“What?” Rey mumbled her question. 

“Your smile,” Kirsta smiled when she replied. “It’s way better than anything Poe sells in this joint.”

“I heard that!” Poe called over his shoulder. 

“It is and you know it. Her smile is what brings all the boys to the yard,” Kirsta starts bouncing and calling her gyrations dance moves, before her guy comes through and waves off Poe.

“That was painful. I may have to go back and erase that from the record,” he said motioning at the camera above them. 

Rey’s nod came in just as slowly as her tight smile. 

“Do you want to admit anything now too so I can kill two birds with one stone?” he asked. 

Rey furrowed her brow wondering what he meant. 

“It’s obvious there’s some unrequited love thing going on. If it makes it better to get it out, you can use this now emptied furniture showcase as a therapy space…”

“Um, no... “ Rey promised, not needing to hash this out with Poe, or anyone for that matter, she promised herself. “I’m good.”

“You don't look good,” 

“Wow, thanks Poe,” Rey interrupted.

“Nah, not like sick - bad, like…”

“Someone ripped my heart out and then stepped on it?” Rey answered condescendingly. 

“Yea actually, that's exactly what you look like, if that had a look.”

“Yeah… yeah…” Rey started, leaning against the back of the chair back to face Poe at the counter instead of her usual space staring out the window. “It’s nothing, or never was. I just happened to let myself believe it could be something....”

Rey sensed bodies just outside the window, lingering but never differentiated between whether or not they stayed beyond the glass or moved in to the shop itself. Her thoughts were simply too loud, all calling for attention, all wanting to be heard…

“You know that connection you felt with Kay?”

Poe smiled softly but barely answered, taking on the looks of both Paige and Rose and some dudes he didn't bother putting faces with or kicking out immediately. He nodded at them just slightly enough that they knew to hush the men and take them aside. 

“It was kind of like that but, I just can't explain it properly. I - I know I shouldn't. My line of work so obviously reminds me that it's just infatuation, but there's just...I don't know, a connection there that I don't exactly want to forget. I could just feel him, I think? I…” she rolls her eyes at herself. “It just sounds so far fetched that I almost feel like I should just let it go. Offer it up like a mistake to the Maker and hope he lets this and all the embarrassment I suffered tonight go so it gets forgotten just like that.”

“Rey,” Poe paused, retrieving a sponge from his sink and towel that he’d thrown over his shoulder earlier that night. “Have I ever told you about the time when Kay and I met?”

Rey’s lips pouted a little realizing that she didn't actually know and was trying to get that story from him for the longest time.

“Well,” he started. “She and I were young once too. I was dumb like Kirsta’s boyfriend Mike.... I swear to god,” he paused, “it is exactly why I don't kill him when he smears his oily body against the window. I will start docking her pay -”

“No you won't,” Rey grinned. “She’s the best worker you have!” 

“You don't know that…”

“I do and if she ever wanted to work with us, I’d find her a job faster than you can blink, Mr. Dameron.” 

“Cool your jets,” he rolled his eyes at Rey who did the same a little two dramatically. “Where was I? My old age is making me forget shit like how to hold cake pops without spiking the tray on the ground.”

Rey heard it.

There was someone else in here with them. She popped her head up, searching for the intruder. 

It… It was a party of people…

First she made out Rose, then Paige, then a broad expanse of someone’s chest…. Rey blinked hard pretending this wasn't real, that they weren’t sitting there listening in, but then saw Geof too, which brought her back to the wide body between Paige and G. 

“Ben?” she mouthed, her voice seemed to slip from her. 

He played with his fingers nervously, she noticed, similar to the way she’d been picking at her own nails, and wondered if he felt it too, the pull to the other… but then the image of that other woman came to mind and she curled herself back into the chair like an injured animal. 

“Is this the guy?” Poe nodded his head in the direction of the man. 

Rey did her best not to nod, but it was a flick of her head in his direction and down that happened regardless of whether she wanted it to.

Poe burned brightly, ready to give that larger than life celebrity a piece of his mind when Ben stood up off of the surprisingly comfortable bucket seat he’d found himself in moments before.

“It’s not like that,” he promised her from across the way. 

Of all the things Ben Solo had to practice for in his life, he always felt that common conversations had been a place he couldn't quite express or connect well with. But here with Rey, as hard as it was not to put on a show for her and fall back into what he knew, Ben eased forward hoping she wouldn't be physically violent like Paige, or scare her like he did with Rose. Geof knew people, how to act with them, and had given him pointers before he ever stepped foot out onto the street with the rest of them. It was something he was truly grateful for… but Rey, she needed to know how much he wished he could have been in the moment enough to run after her, to stop her, to help her see. 

“What is it like then?” she whispered.

It made him move closer, slowly, but closer still. 

“I thought you’d stay,” he began.

His voice was softer than on stage, she noticed. Nervous, boyish, and so she’d been pulled in by every word. 

“You finally looked at me and I thought we had something this time. I felt it. I felt it like last time but you punched Geof… gracefully apologised,” he smiled at her, reassuring Rey that he did see all of it. “I thought I was crazy at first, but thought that if I finished soon enough, that maybe you’d want to spend some time with me. But.. that night slipped away from us. I wished and wished to go it over again but was sure you wouldn't - that we wouldn't be more than a vision of what could have been.” 

Ben’s jaw worked back and forth as he worried his lip trying to find the right words to say. His eyes dropped to the floor and parted his hands, trying to explain with them too before giving up and running his fingers through his hair.

“And then, I get the greatest blessing of my life and you’re back in the audience… even - even said  _ hi _ to me.” His eyes flicked up to see hers, wide and surprised, he wasn’t exactly sure why though. “But then you vanished and I could feel myself dying all over again. I don't even know you and I just.. felt it. Like there's something more between you and me. Like I don't know, it just felt right to come find you. If i didnt… I just knew we wouldn't see each other again - and I needed to see you. I needed to know for sure that you felt it too.”

A single tear fell down her cheek, kissing the side of her tight smile before falling from her chin. 

Her nod was slight and lips parted, unable to fathom how she could have possibly been so lucky. 

“I do, Ben -feel it too,” she swallowed, uncurling herself from the side of her favorite chair to stand beside him. “That look though… I could have sworn, I mean why would you want someone like me. I’m not, I’m not in your circles or really have any idea about who you are except for what my friends have shared with me,” she nodded at them, grimacing slightly at their excited waves traded off to thumbs up and silent clapping. “The point is, to me you’re a gorgeous a guy I’d like to know. I don’t - have much of a life outside of work.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Poe interrupts and Rey sighs hoping he does a better job at this introduction thing. “You started out okay,” he admitted, throwing the sponge back in the direction of the sink and whipped the towel around in circles before setting it on his hip. “But you missed the part where you were yourself about it.”

Poe looked squarely at Ben and used the voice he set aside for Rey as he always did for Paige and Rose. “Hi, I’m Rey and I’m into you but I doubt myself even when you’re telling me exactly what I want to hear -ow! What?” he looked over his friend, exasperated. “You weren’t going to say it and you know it.”

“Yeah, yeah. So, this is Poe,” Rey waved her hand to showcase the man, “doing a better job at being me this evening.”

“I think you did just fine,” Ben mumbled. “Better than me - if you remember I stood there in shock  _ because _ you were speaking to me. I could believe your vicinity. You- you were so close and I didn’t know what to do first... Rey,” he started fiddling with his fingers again. “Can we start this night over. Maybe go on a date or something? If, if you wanted to…”

Rey nodded, reaching her hand out to cover his fidgeting ones, gaining his full attention again. 

“I’d like that,” she smiled.

“Me too,” Ben mumbled, feeling relief wash over him. 

He’d finally get the chance to know his mystery girl, no matter what it took. He’d be there.

  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

She _touched_ him. His hands trembled a little sending a shiver through him that he couldn’t quite control. They were warm and soft but not clammy like his own, like they were meant to calm him, meant to be his. Ben did his best to stay within the moment but couldn’t help the way his heart soared, how wonderful it felt to have her so near, he nearly believed he was sitting comfortably on cloud nine...

He felt her start to tremble which reeled him right back in, wanting desperately to fix it, to give her exactly what she gave him. Ben cleared his throat then did his beat not to look around before his eyes returned to hers. It was a nervous tick he was known for most of his life that he didn’t need to show her, especially not now while she seemed to be holding on for dear life as well. 

Her eyes sparkled beautifully here even under the dimming lights at Poe’s counter. All the while, anchored themselves to the depths of his soul the longer she looked at him. 

“You’ve got me, Rey,” he whispered and watched her nod slowly in return. 

“Me too,” she said, trying not to but failing at correcting herself. 

Ben swallowed, finding it to be one of the most endearing things for someone to do. It’d been small and sweet, just like her, the way he dreamed she’d be. 

It was undeniably late by then. The city quieted somewhat. Traffic was still moving through it but instead of being a grumbling beast as it was during the day, it’d become a constant hum, like bees in a hive. There was still foot traffic, people hollering every so often, conversations that continued on, spiking interest in every other passerby, but Ben paid no mind to it. 

He was still high above them, his dream girl right by his side as he pictured she would be while they drove through the city. He remembered to stay a part of the conversation as their fingers twined between them though. Ben wanted every morsale of information he could get his hands on to keep her in his thoughts. He wanted to know every detail of her time here, how far their friendships went back, exactly what Geof knew for sure, and definitely anything that would help win her heart past the sweet moment they’d shared at Poe’s. 

Both Paige and Rose parted first from their trip down memory lane as they waded through traffic lights, but not without something to give the driver first. 

“You don’t have to tip him,” Ben began.

“Oh honey, it’s not a tip… not money at least. It’s chillstep,” Paige flipped her hair back over her shoulder. “Perfect for riding at night,” she winked at Rey who covered her face in her free hand. 

Rose snorted, “Jeez Rey, not that kind…” 

“Nope -” Paige interrupted. “It’s best at night while you’re out for a drive.”

“Um none of us own cars, what are you getting at?” Rose challenged on her way out. 

“Arent cabs cars? Don’t you own headphones?” Paige continued to bicker with Rose while they scooted out, then dipped her head back down into the cab to wish them all a good night, happy to hear the driver did actually put on the tunes. “He gets it! You’re my favorite,” she winked in the mirror before taking off up the stairs to their building. 

The music Paige suggested was part of a live stream, one that always posted it’s playlist in the comments, Rey was sure that she’d be listening to it for the rest of the night to blog to. Not that she needed to tonight, but there was a possibility with the way that this night had wound up for the five of them. Rey found herself rolling her eyes at herself only to land on Geof’s.

“Your friend has good taste,” he commented, pointing up at the ceiling but clearly making note of the tunes. He continued talking through it, pausing at significant moments he could only softly bob his head to, pulling out what it did for the ride, the sights, things he wouldn't usually pay attention to like the silvery lips of window sills on newer buildings that gave the illusion of shooting stars as every car passed it. 

Rey felt the way that Ben turned just slightly to see what he meant only to hold Rey’s hand tighter, not exactly ready to let her go just yet. All it would take was a nod to his driver to send Geof home next, but Rey’s stop was coming up… and well, he honestly didn't want to scare her by pressuring her in anyway. 

Ben could nearly see the way his mother would smile and lean into his father’s shoulder at the thought of taking care of her properly. It made him feel complete, even if it meant having to let her go for a short time. It was right and Rey deserved _right_. 

. . . 

He felt warm to her. 

His hand was clammy. Something about it made her feel not only normal but that this was real. A dream would depict such detail, not even the ones she used to have years ago at home. The fear had been unreal, always worried about being left behind truly took a toll until that day. When Rey left it empowered her. She didn't break down unlike the constant naysayers that would promise she would, Rey thrived on her own. It didn't necessarily mean she wanted to be alone for the rest of her life, though. She did want someone to share it with - when she was strong enough to admit it was something she could try for again. 

It took years. 

Years to get here. 

And now she’s more frightened than ever to fuck this up. 

It isn't his fame. Not his fortune either. She’d survived on far less and worked just as hard to break even. Moving to the city didn't exactly help for that but she did find friends whose presence helped her find herself in her darkest times, and now? Well, now she had sparked this man’s interest and no matter how flattering it was, she still couldn't believe he picked her. 

“It’s just a dream,” she promised herself. “A beautiful dream…” 

And yet, he stayed, nervous but true beside her until the vehicle stopped that is. She noticed how Geof did his best to pull out his phone and ignore the two without a word. Rey still leaned out of Ben’s hold to put a hand on Geof’s shoulder to thank the man, and wish him a good night before moving back to Ben who had been worried at her release but relieved she was back. How on earth was she going to be able to say goodbye to Ben?

“This is me,” she said sadly. 

“Can I walk you up?” he asked, smiling softly at her nod, their hands clasping together as if they had been magnetically charged to do so.

Her heart fluttered while her mind warred with her feet to work properly so she did not make a fool out of herself on the way out of the vehicle nor up to her door. Each step certainly felt harder than the last, making it absolutely embarrassing with each one. It was as if her feet had magically shrunk somehow, making her nearly roll her ankle with every move forward. The only tangible image that popped into her mind was that she no longer looked like a figure of elegance and grace, but instead a glamorous baby gazelle. It wasn't a flattering image and barely entertained the fact that she could control herself...eventually. 

Ben’s large warm hand steadied her holding her delicately at her lower back before she could do anymore awkward dance moves. 

“Easy there,” he whispered, closing the gap between them. 

Rey laughed nervously, promising she knew how to walk, but Ben continued, telling her it had been a long day and it was understandable. 

“I’d ask if you’d like to come in,” she could hear the way her voice rattled making her wonder if she should have said anything at all, or just yet… especially with the way she noticed he was looking at her. 

There was a softness there. One she was sure she’d seen in a handful of puppy dog shots that simply made her heart melt. His eyes were wide, hopeful and the clearest she’d ever seen. Even in the cool grey twilight masking their faces, she could _see_ him, his soul in his gaze. It was warm and welcoming, so much so that she hadn’t realized when she took her half-stepped leap of faith in towards him. She missed the way he moved his head signalling his driver to go ahead without him. She misses how he asks her, “but?” But comes to when he reaches for her other hand, capturing it in his own before he softly strokes his thumb against her fingers. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers. “It’s late.”

She nearly felt her essence being pulled from her body when he spoke as if he meant to take a piece of her home with him. In that moment she wished she could do the same with him. Hold onto him here forever. 

It’s the very word of forever that brings her back to. No one’s ever stayed forever, and the thought is equal parts frightening and wonderful and all of which she wants to explore. All of which she thinks she deserves.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” he asks her, his eyes as wide as saucers, presumably due to his forwardness which Rey finds amazing being a man of his stature. 

She nods before she can speak, “Yes. 

“I’d like to take you out, maybe somewhere outside of the city?” he asks.

“That sounds lovely, Ben,” she replied, her heart felt as though it was going to explode from her chest. She really did love the city and it’s amenities, but just beyond it where she could actually see the stars streaking through the sky was of the most comforting things she’d ever seen, and one day hoped she’d find someone that she could share that with. Maybe it was Ben. Maybe this wasn't just an infatuation… maybe it was far more than that…

“Anywhere specific that you’d like to see?” he asked thoughtfully.

“I want to know where you find your peace out there.”

It’s then when she truly feels like she’s holding him, more of himself becomes hers, not only in how he’s looking at her but also in the way he cradles her and in the way he breathed his response. 

“As you wish.”

. . . 

Ben couldn't manage his wonder. Rey’s answers - they gave him so much hope. They’d been like nothing else he’d ever experienced, not that his position allowed much of a life outside of his career but it wasn't to say that he hadn’t been looking. None of the other women he’d seen, even long term hadn’t wanted to really get to know him like Rey suggested. It made him feel… complete in a way. Oddly… even though they hadn’t quite started yet, the feeling was there, threading them together in such a delicate web that felt as though it could catch them even if they fell together. 

He couldn't help the way he lowered his head to offer himself to her. Not now. Not after that. She had to know what power she had over him, how he needed her and all that was left in his mind had been telling him to go for it - to kiss her. 

She’d been so close but also just far enough to feel her unsteady breath against his skin, her pattern subtly warring at her decisions - it was something he knew well when switching romantic roles. A job was a job, but while he was involved, it was the most painful thing he had to do. He’d been told it gave him a level of humanity, a natural chemistry with another being that would potentially speak to the audience and sell tickets. But now, while she did it, all he could do was feel her breath at his lips and pray she’d lean into him just right to seal her mouth over his. 

It happened in the blink of an eye. 

She wasn't there and then she was, soft, warm and inviting. Slowly accepting of his advancement. It’d been slight, guiding her closer to him, only separating slightly to capture the other in another and another until he felt the needy way she’d breathed into him, slowing only at the sound of his driver returning to their side, the chillstep stream still pouring through his slightly cracked open window. 

His presence only enhanced Ben’s exploration, the music pushing him on to explore every sigh, every gasp, the little intriguing sounds she could make… all of it. The music helped urge him on as if it was they’re soundtrack, one he would most definitely need from now on, just as he felt her energy pass through and surround him, he was sure to at least try to do the same for her. 

And when they parted, he breathed in her exhale, sure he couldn't possibly ever get enough. Her form swayed slightly, as if she’d been trying to decide if she should reconnect or not and while he’d been contemplating bringing her back to his place, how that conversation would even go, he decided it was time to part. 

He’d get more, soon. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” he whispered, still held within her embrace. 

“Yes,” her voice sounded as soft as his own. 

“Can I pick you up here? Or… at work? Or Poe’s?” he rambled. 

“Wherever, just tell me,” Rey smiled, “I’ll be there.”

. . . 

Going home was a blur. Just the rhythm of his heart pounding made it hard to breathe. How could that happen, he wondered, and yet somehow he just knew. The essence of Rey beside him had him in a trance, even if she wasn't coming home with him tonight she could surely stay in his physical memory now. He could feel her. 

Unsure of what he’d said to his driver, or even if he remembered to use his first or last name, slipped right out of his mind. He had to chase this. Explore her. Keep her as near as he could, determined to keep her memory with him at all times. 

He knew she wouldn't fade… she wouldn't disappear, not like last time… 

He’d be there for her. 

He’d make sure of it. 

. . . 

Ben had been on her mind that night. How couldn't he have been? But no one’s ever lingered, not like this. Not even her memories wanted to stick around… and yet, Ben felt as though his energy bound himself to her.

It was new, and lovely, and dangerous. 

She could get hurt...and in some respects, she knew she would. It was just how things went… but even now after what they shared, she’d been preparing for the climb before the fall. Trying constantly to believe that whatever was to come from this wouldn't cut her off, that they would experience the fall together should it ever come to that. 

Rey breathed out a sigh as she let herself back in. Her apartment seemed emptier than it did that morning. Her skin cooler despite the warmth of the summer night, Rey found herself making it back to her room in silence, looking for her heavier blankets to curl up in. She told herself it wasn't because of the loss of him, but nodded at the fact that she didn't protest when he's backed off. She should have asked him to stay, but what would that say about her?

Another sigh broke from her, both cold and cleansing, before she allowed her inevitable imagination the ability to warm her. He could be there, if she’d allow it… somewhere deep in her heart, she heard it, “let him in.” 

The words slipped their way into her mind, repeating themselves over and over again until she felt the weight of her walls come tumbling down. Rey found herself completely open now, snuggling into her blanket as if it could mimic the warmth of his hold, whispering, “Please,” well into the night. 

. . . 

The life of a star isn’t at all up to the one in the spotlight, Ben realized the next day, finding out that he had press statements to follow up with, photoshoots and other unimportant things he could have waited until Monday to do, but his agent kept him going, parading him around at all times of the day. When Ben realized what time it was, his heart flew right out of his chest. 

“Why didn't anyone tell me?” he growled, standing abruptly and making his way out of the venue. 

His long strides carried him far and fast people turned in his wake wondering what the commotion had been about, but Ben was in no mood to stand and explain to the seas of onlookers about what had happened. They didn't need to know. The only one that needed to was somewhere in the city just as devastated as he was about this whole mess. 

Getting to spend time with her again was the ONLY thing on his mind and the fact that he could have given up time with her to … to… what was it he was supposed to be promoting again? Did it matter? Did any of it matter?

He was sure it didn't. While acting had been a lifelong dream of his, it surely couldn't hold a candle to the way Rey made him feel… 

Ben swore nearly the whole way to her apartment that he’d give it up - all of it… he’d run away with her if she wanted to then shook his head thinking maybe he was in too deep. He couldn't live with the idea of scaring her away with that. Those thoughts, he was sure, were for people that were together… as in dating. They hadn’t yet been on one date and his mind was already running away with her. 

. . . 

It’s been a week since she’d heard from him. 

A week...

Rey’s friends were, well… her friends about the whole thing. Paige was ready to hunt him down, and Rose would threaten to ruin her coffee with Bailey’s if she refused to go out for drinks with them one more time. Tainting Rey’s coffee with anything but sugar was considered a federal offense, but Rose wasn’t worried. Despite what Rey thought of herself, the girls knew she was no light weight. 

“I’m not… you’re not… I can't,” Rey said definitively. 

“And you’re not,” Paige retorted. 

“What does it matter? I knew I shouldn't have --”

“What? Let someone with the capability to love you in?” Rose stiffened right up out of her seat when she said it. 

“Love… that’s-- no this, whatever it was ended outside of my building that night.”

“Got it!” Paige cheered, snatching the small bottle of Bailey’s right out of Rose’s grasp. 

“I’m gonna go for a walk, I think,” Rey mumbled between them. 

Both girls watched their friend fold her arms at her chest and let her forehead drop to the desk. Rose frowned first and waved her hands in front of her with her palms to the ceiling in a silent argumentative question to her friend. 

Paige’s eyes bulged out of her head, agreeing with her, “I KNOW!” she mouthed. 

“This is not healthy,” Rose started. “What in the fuck are you doing, Paige?” she silently exclaimed while she watched Paige take a picture of Rey’s position and type out a message. 

Paige turned her phone, showing the message and a number she didn't recognize. 

“If this is what you do to people you care about then you can rot in hell.” 

“Who is that? You didn't send it did you?” Rose leaned in to squint at the screen as she watched her friend’s thumb hover over the button to send it. “Don’t!” 

“Sent.” 

Rose bent her fingers into her palms, bent her back so her shoulders now faced the ceiling throwing them and her head back in silent frustration. 

“What the fuck, Paige! What if thats the wrong number and you messaged a nun?”

“Nun’s don't have phones, Rose.”

“And how do you know?”

“I don’t, but I’m pretty sure that's a worldly possession and they don’t jive with that,” she said smugly. 

“I just… I just… can't with you right now,” she groaned. At her usual volume she announced she’d be ordering from the tampura place down the block if anyone wanted in. Their floor was relatively silent, being well after dinner now. Some still working on that big piece for the New York Times while others were desperate to get through their columns. Just as anywhere else in the city, work was work, and when people took off or couldn't function like Rey during these recent days, regardless of her presence… their staff - the small family it was - would pull together to hit their deadlines. 

Paige pounded away on her phone, arguing with the mystery person, and Rose fetched money from several other people and placed the order. 

“I got you dipped veggies, Rey,” she whispered. 

“I think she’s s still out on her walk…” Paige said a little louder than she needed to. 

“You need to stop,” Rose said. 

“No, I think I need to continue,” she said standing above their desk. And so she did. 

It’d been a week that Rey hadn’t heard from Ben and Paige had enough. She scanned the floor at the sound of the elevator’s ping, her shoulders sagging when the entrant happened to be the cleaning lady. 

Instead, her phone rang in her hand, her default blaring loudly throughout the floor as if it had been on it’s highest setting, calling her attention back to it. 

Thumbing her receiver had only added to the drama. 

Ben’s deep voice came over the speaker, heaving through his breath, “Where is she?”

“Not ‘How did you get this number?’” Paige lifted her eyebrow, returning his question with her own, “Or, ‘Thanks for trying to save my ass?’”

“Is that what this is? You sending me something so devastating?” His tone was cut and to the point as if she was just another one of his agents. 

“You act as if you can take anything you want, and yet, you didn't think to get her number? Do you have any idea what you’ve put her through?” Paige hissed, jumping yet again at another elevator ping. Truthfully, she didn't know Ben. No one really did… which meant that she wasn't exactly sure just how far she could push him before he snapped, but one look down at her friend who was just starting to stir again, gave her more of a reason to fight for this. Rey deserved to be heard even if she’d already given him up. 

  
  


“Why are you still at work?” he said halfway into the speaker. 

Paige’s silence is deafening, even to her. 

“Who are you on the phone with now, Paige?” Rey looked up at her friend with watery eyes. 

“Nobody, Rey…” she answered, clicking off the phone, then silencing it altogether. 

Rey nodded and picked up her bag this time, readying herself to walk home. 

“I think, I think I’m gonna go,” she said, in the clearest tone she’d used all day. It was as if she’d built herself back up in those short moments, to which Paige could only nod. 

“Alright. Did you want to wait for your food or?” 

“Nah, I’m good. I don't feel much like eating…”

Paige inhaled but stopped herself from saying anything more. 

“See you Monday, Rey,” Rose offered. 

“Yeah, Monday…”

. . . 

By the time Ben made it to her building, he was heaving. His lungs felt like they were on fire or bleeding or both and yet he still ran for the elevators. None… none of the four responded to him for a whole five minutes was complete crap for how late they’d been there and so he took for the stairs, promising himself that he could make it. He could reach her before she left… before he couldn't find her again. 

Ben had reached the fourth floor when he heard a door many floors above him open then shut hard behind the footsteps that flew from them. They were light enough… they could be hers… 

Ben moved as fast as he could up them as if they would disappear mid-level. His own steps seemed to thunder, echoing through the stairwell making it hard to hear if the person, she, he told himself, was still there.

“Please,” he pleaded with every step forward. Levels became a blur, throwing him higher and higher still until he crashed into her. 

His girl.

Ben whined a little and wrapped his arms around her despite the awkward ball of limbs they’d become on the landing between levels eight and nine. 

He couldn’t apologize enough, not for missing their date, not for missing the week it took to get back to her. His excuses all landing around not ever really knowing what day it was anyway, but most importantly that he had been so stupid. 

“I’d been so wrapped up in an image of you…” he said feeling her hands come up between them to push him away. 

It felt wrong. So wrong. Like his soul was detaching itself from his being. 

“No please,” Ben begged. “Please don’t leave me this way. I need you.”

He watched her face blur in unshed tears while he tried to hold on. 

“I was there for you then but where were you? You made me feel like everything, and then nothing… it wasn’t something I needed from you,” she said rolling away from him to continue down the stairs. 

“Please, Rey. I feel something with you that I can’t explain. You… you always feel like you’re with me, even when you aren’t. Not in the flesh anyway.” Ben covered his face with his hands, expecting to be left alone on that landing. It’s what he deserved… 

And yet she stopped in her tracks wondering if he felt it too. 

“I felt it, Ben,” she said dropping her shoulders in defeat. “But it doesn’t mean I want to be left searching for it when we part. I’ve…” Rey shook her head. “I don’t need to explain my reasons. Just if you’re supposed to be mine, don’t you think being there would be an important place to be?”

Ben could only nod no matter how bad he wanted to move his feet to go to her, he couldn’t. 

“I was there you know,” she huffed a sigh. “Waiting.”

“Rey… I…”

When she moved to brace herself on the banister, he screamed at himself to move. She could get away, and then what? 

He could feel his hand cover hers, promising her she wasn’t just some experiment. 

“You mean the world to me and it’s terrifying. I don’t even know you and I need to be with you. Please, please give me a chance…” he shakes his head. “Don’t walk away. I don’t think I can bear it.”

Despite how she feels, Rey’s able to nod. 

“I just… I can’t go through that again. If we… it this turns into more, Ben… and you decide you don’t want us… this… me… just tell me and I’ll go.”

“I don’t want to go, or you to go. Never,” he promised her, pressing his lips softly to hers. “Come home with me tonight? I can make dinner, and you can meet Bailey and—“

“Bailey?”

“My dog,” he said watching her eyes widen, “unless you don’t like dogs…”

“Oh no, that’s not it. No, I like animals. It’s just the name…” she said stopping herself. 

“What about it?” 

“Just —it doesn’t matter. Rose kept trying to spike my coffee all day to get me to calm down… it just seemed like a coincidence…” she said, shaking her head. 

“Or maybe it was just meant to be? Bailey is nice, older and just likes a buddy. I think you’ll be okay.”

“I think so too,” Rey replied, the light in her eyes twinkled softly before his head eclipsed the light there as he swooped back in to kiss her.

  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had to be split in two... so the good news is that im already working on the next chapter <3
> 
> Also, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate you’re interest in this story. It’s just, wow! Blowing my mind! So, *SQUEAK* thank you for being so supportive! 💖💖💖

On their descent, they go hand in hand. 

It’s nice… her mind hums accepting this space, as generic as it is, there’s just something reassuring there… that this is him, not the man behind so many masks. His eyes are still cloudy with thought, shielded like her own in a way, which truly makes her feel as though he’s more human than his fans make him out to be.

She can feel his pulse scream in his hand against her own and cant help but want to soothe him. Her fingers tighten against his hoping she’d make a difference, not that her own wasn’t as agitated, but more that it’d began to find it’s usual flow, slowing dramatically with every step forward into a chance at this relationship once more. 

Ben’s grip tightened as if he was mimicking her, a gesture Rey found she liked followed by his boyish smile. It hadn't been one she’d seen in many of his pictures and certainly hoped that it was something he’d held on to and gift only to her.

Questions that harassed her over the past week tumbled off her shoulders only to fall behind her and shatter. There would be no reason to ask them now… not when he truly came back for her. And there, as much as she was afraid to let it build, the question became one she needed to know the answer to. It was out before she could exhale…

“How did you find me?” 

“Well, after I realized what day it was and the time that had passed, I needed to find you,” he swallowed. His feet slowed only moving them to yet another landing. “Rey, I’ll never be able to apologize enough for that, ever… to you or your friends, I’m afraid.”

“My friends?” she cocked her head to the side while she questioned him.

“Yeah. I don't know how she did it… how she found me, but the music one…”

“Paige,” Rey corrected his distinction.

“Is that the testy one?”

Rey nodded, “she cares very deeply about things being done the right way.”

“I can see that, rather hear it…” Ben explained. “She found my number somehow and messaged me... I’d be in the right mind to press charges if she was anyone else but maybe I’ll offer her a job instead.”

Rey began to laugh adding that this wasn't exactly explaining how he’d been able to find her.

“I’m leading up to that,” he grinned again but as he did it faded. “You were so sad, Rey. Defeated looking, and Paige… the cocky little thing she is wouldn't give your location. So, I may have reported a stolen phone to locate her…”

“Ben!” Rey’s eyes lit up in shock then softened at his response. 

“I needed to find you. A phone is replaceable, a lie correctable… but losing you,” he shook his head. “Then having the ability to find you resting in my hands like that? I couldn't resist.”

Rey listened to him as he explained the beginning of his week and how nothing seemed to be going his way. 

“I’d gone rogue to my own life,” he continued. “Signing at the door was part of the experience for our guests, but I couldn't be back there in that alleyway. Your essence - it wasnt there… and I needed it to be.”

The more he went on, the more Ben apologized for rambling, but Rey wouldn't stop him. Not where they started moving again. Not at the bottom of the landing by the lobby, not anywhere. Truth be told, she needed to hear it. His honesty was a breath of fresh air, one she could hold for years, and so she let him speak.

Among her favorite moments were ones he shared about visiting with Poe and how the man threatened him with an espresso.

“The way he went on about the cake pops that first night made me think I had nothing to worry about. But I was wrong. I’m almost certain you have to be justifiably crazy to live in the city--”

“Hey!” Rey nudged him with her shoulder. “I live here all year round…”

“And I’m certain your friends are feasting off of your crazy,” he teased. 

“What?”

“You’re the most collected out of your trio,” he raised his other and to protect himself before reaching to hold open the door for her. “And Paige is especially crazy. So is the one that argues with her…”

“Rose?”

“Yes…so, it only makes sense that you’re sharing.”

“I’ll have you know they’ve been here far longer than I have. I bet it’s the reason I’m slow to respond with a lot of it,” she admitted. 

“What does, um, what does that mean?”

“The city… It's my home now but I’m not from here. There’s parts I love about it and others I can do without. I guess it’s like anywhere, really.” Rey shrugged and continued offering him information on Paige and Rose. For a time she thought he’d been processing what she was saying, then it abruptly stopped, flattening her all of a sudden. “What is it?” she asked nervously. 

Ben only shook his head assuring her that it was alright that there was nothing wrong, and yet she could still feel it there, weighing her down.

“Ben?”

“Hmm?” he asked simply. 

“Did I say something wrong?” 

His eyes widened at her question first, then found himself standing impossibly closer. 

“Nah, no,” he promised. 

“Then… where’d you go? Just now while we-I was talking?” Rey blushed when she said it, presuming that what it was she was talking about was even sort of important to him. 

“Oh, well,” he started. 

She noticed the way his cheeks tinted and wondered if that was his blush creeping up his neck to his cheeks too. 

“Y-“ he cleared his throat, “You have a soothing voice. It made me drift off into other things.”

Rey grinned. “Soothing voice? What other things?”

“Well, for starters, how much time I missed out on, how I’m not exactly sure if I should fear Paige, or if I should promote Poe’s shop since he did everything in his power to treat me like a customer and not like a love interest that failed you. If I didn’t know any better I’d say he was your big brother just by the way he protected you. And don’t get me started about the child sized girl that works with him.”

Rey lifted her eyebrow at him, correcting the girl’s name, “Kirsta?”

“I think so?” he scratched his forehead, then spoke again. “She made absolutely sure I didn’t sit in your spot.”

“Oh, yes, she’s very particular.”

“I told her I missed you, and she listened to my spiel on how I figured being in your space would help me find you and she literally pulled up a stool so I could sit _next to the space…_ not on it.”

Rey couldn’t help the way she bubbled up and laughed, no, she snorted, but covered with laughter.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, _I am_ …” he said smiling as he explained further into their meeting. “How do I put this? Kirsta is to you like Geof is to me. With… the exception of wanting to cut me if I sit in your chair.”

Rey couldn’t stop the laughter building in her throat. It was true. She _did_ watch the girl chase people away from it with Poe’s famous sticky buns and coffee she promised was free if they sat _anywhere_ else. Rey remembered there had even been a time where she promised outdoor seating so Rey would get her favorite space when she came in. 

She recalls the time it first started happening. Kirsta just started and Rey would make comments to Poe to avert his eyes from watching the mistakes she made as they happened. Kirsta had been so thankful she had vowed with a chocolate dipped biscotti over Rey’s latte one rainy day that she’d keep Rey’s favorite spot ready for her at all times of day. At the time she smiled at the thought musing how neat it would be to be that level of importance, but promised Kirsta didn’t have to. 

Now knowing she did was oddly satisfying, especially because Ben got to see how her friends cared for her.

“She didn’t though, did she?”

“I find it a little scarier that you had to ask,” Ben admits then grimaced before raising his hand to hail a cab.

She frowned at the motion wondering if he’d be alright in one. 

“Don’t worry, Mitaka is coming up right here,” he added then extended his arm to her to keep her closer than holding her hand would.

To her surprise a young man who spooked like he could be Ben’s younger brother, hopped out of the car and nodded at them before offering his keys. 

“But what about him?” Rey asked. 

“Oh, his mother lives around here. This is sort of doing him a favor,” Ben promised. “I’ll see you Monday,” he said nodding to the man as he made his way to the passenger door to open it for Rey.

This was new. 

Very new. 

Sort of uncomfortably new? 

And yet, perfectly fine that he wanted to do it. He sweetly held her hand as she moved to sit down in his vehicle, then brought her hand to his lips before releasing it and closing the door. A small bashful smile played across her features while her cheeks heated now separated by the door, he felt like he’d gone so far away. 

_What is this feeling?_

It’s nothing like when she didn’t see him for a week. She knew that one, she could have prepared for it… should have at least… but this, he thought, this is hope laying like the sun on the horizon just waiting to show you the new day. And for some reason he seemed to be caught there in the place that divided them and she saw it the panic clawing at the surface. It fed her need to stop it, to help him… and with that came her bold move. Her fingers mashed any button she could find on the arm of the door while maintaining eye contact. Rey couldn’t let him go. Not this time. 

His startled thoughts at the downard zip of the motor pulling the glass from between them down into the door was sweet, but not as sweet as the surprise in his inhale when she sprang out of her seat to capture him. Her fingers combed through his dark locks till they cupped the back of his neck, barely cradling the base of Ben’s head before she pulled him back in towards her. Rey’s hand crammed in the window for support while she leaned half her body out to him too. 

Ben’s lips were as soft as they looked. She’d imagined this to be harder given his structure here and yet, they were totally accepting, allowing her to explore him on a different level than ones in her past experiences. Rey felt the need to pull him closer, to let him touch her. 

It was as if he knew, the bond she felt swarming around them at her door suddenly gusted around them once more. Any bystander would have said it was simply the war summer’s breeze, but Rey, she knew it was something much more than that. 

Something profoundly unnatural like fate itself urged them together. It’s all it took to let him in, Rey thought, kissing him deeply as he stood right outside her door. 

. . .

It was hard to stop, Ben thought, while he swam in the feeling of her essence welcoming him to her. She shouldn’t have been so willing, not after what he did, the prick of an image stayed like a stubborn shard of glass willing to cut him again.

This time would be different though. 

He wouldn't be confused by it, by their connection. 

She was so warm, like the sun that beat down on him all day while he ran circles around the city. It was all he could do to hold on, his hand slipped through the threshold of the door, binding the two together despite still feeling worlds apart. 

Ben knew they wouldn't be together here. Not in the city...not with this barrier here. 

Stopping this had to come, but it had to be natural. It had to be…

His heart hammered in his chest, seizing both his mind and body, the air leaving his lungs felt as if it was burning him on the way out at her disconnect. 

Briefly his inner eye traveled around him, checking for damages before realizing the pain had come from her release. It felt as if he’d been stabbed in the heart which made his eyes fly open to search hers. 

“Rey?” Ben whispered his fear. 

“C’mon,” she said still deciding if words were rightly placed here while she sucked in the air she so desperately needed. “Let’s get out of here…”

He could feel his relief spread first in his chest, then reach his lips as he began to smile. He gave her all of what was most precious to him. His real smile. The one rarely photographed… the one he tried to remake in his movies to mask him at his truest form. The one she knew she’d see… the one she’s already learned was hers. 

All he could do was smile for a moment before nodding his head just enough to jostle his hair which let the ends dance around her crown like an inky halo. Never once had he seen such beauty staring up at him. Never once did he ever consider himself lucky enough to have happiness in its truest form, and here he was looking at her as if he’d been staring into the sun. 

Geof was right. He was gone for her. 

The trick now would be figuring out how to keep her. 

“Alright, princess.”

He watched her scrunch her nose at the word, unsure of how she came to be a sought after title when she, herself, referred to herself as nobody. Ben wanted that moment to plant the seed. The one where she’d allow the word to fall to the pit of her soul before taking root. There he could promise her everything and live by it. She could know what she is to him. She could know what it’s like to be royalty because she was certainly that in his eyes. 

...this girl from the city. 

One that only a handful of people knew.

Her, the one that stole his heart standing away from the stage door. 

She’d been so intriguing, and all he’d ever need. 

It was just coming to terms with helping her see that which remained.

“...if you’re mine, I’ll respect you like one… like how you should be,” he mumbled.

He watched her scrunched face soften but only a little, as she nodded her head to the side wordlessly, asking him to join her in his own vehicle.

It wasn’t a no and that in itself was beautiful. Maybe she would allow this.

It was all he could do to hope. 

Ben’s lips spread wide again, grinning now from ear to ear, while he rounded the front of his SUV recognizing how wonderful a thought hope could be. 

Earlier today hope had been a four letter word, foul tasting, leaving his lips on each exhale while he panted rushing towards her only to choke on it at every inhale. Now though… now it held such promise, more than he could have ever wished for. 

. . . 

He looked like he’d been half his age, his boyish smile still playing on his lips, reaching his eyes in such a beautiful way, she was sure she was dreaming. 

“Anywhere specific in mind tonight?” she asked, unable to quiet her nerves. 

“Well,” Ben replied sitting now comfortably in his seat before reaching for the shifter to put it in gear. “You said you wanted to know the place I felt the most peace,” he said holding her gaze, marveling in the beautiful way brake lights around them lit the side of her face, engulfing the rest in shadow and ambient light.

His eyes twinkled, even her in the darkness of his cabin. They’d been wide and scared before but here he felt just as he had outside, as well as every other true encounter she’d collected over this short time. 

It pushed her to ask. 

It pushed her to want to know more, to listen…

“And where’s that, specifically?” Rey asked, completely unaware of how she leaned in toward him. 

It’d become a force of habit to follow her need to be closer, to chase the comfort she felt when he held her in his arms. 

“I think you know,” Ben mumbled, far closer than he had been when he first sat down. He’d crossed the barrier between them, finding her again. One hand caressed her cheek while the other carefully skirted over her side, careful to keep his promise. His princess needn't be spooked. He’d worked too hard for this to scare her now. 

“Say it,” she blurted out, thankful for the darkness shading her flaming cheeks. It gave her the lasting shield she needed to repeat herself at his inhale. “I need to hear you say it, Ben.”

Rey heard the way that his tongue flicked out to wet his lips, the way he pressed his lips together in a firm line, swallowing harshly before catching her in her leap of faith towards his heart. 

“It’s you,” he swallowed again. “Being in your presence gives me all I’ll ever need.”

Rey’s chest begins to burn. It’s an unfamiliar feeling, one she thinks might be pride that he holds her with such a high regard, but it's there with something else, another feeling she hadn’t known to give a name.

“I’ve never had such a connection with anyone. People, they see me for what I have. Where my stats are - My bank account. Who I’ve been - who I’m struggling to let go of being. I’m with you for only moments,” he says and his lips brush hers, “and it all disappears, like it’s fate’s way of telling me I’m supposed to be here with you. That feeling, I want to believe it’s love.”

She felt her head swim at his release. Love… he loved her? But he didnt know her...and still she let him in. There wasn't time to worry, oddly, given how much he felt for her, Rey allowed the light, the very pit of his happiness to seep into her. It took over her heart, spreading like wildfire while he pressed his lips to hers. 

At no point had she felt alarmed, like this shouldn't be…

Not the way she would have imagined if anyone else ushered those words of affection to her this early on in their relationship, but Ben, somehow in his admission, Rey felt safe. She felt as though he meant them with every fiber of his being. As if she could truly feel the atoms that made up the space left between them, the pull, the force, all it was - whatever it was… this thing that bound them together made her feel more willing towards him.

Rey felt cherished. 

Welcome…

Warm.

There was a steadiness there that guided her in. 

As if he could hear her thoughts while their lips locked and tongues danced to a slow, sensual rhythm., Ben moved to hold her just as steadily as his feelings had, offering her a hopeful place to do the same she thought as his posture changed. Ben sat up taller making it harder to keep her lips sealed against his. Her body leaned into his space, her hand unevenly landing at his collar than sliding slightly down his chest while the other tentatively held him in place resting at his cheek before diving into his hair as they had been at the door.

The prospect of being loved or finding love had been so far fetched in her life that she didn't dwell heavily on finding it or the success of ever keeping such a feeling. Rey had no interest in being set up on a pedestal when she could be someone’s life long partner, but even then, it was so far out of reach, it didn't seem like something she should dream about. Now these feelings began to surface but there wasn't a true way to know what they meant to her. Did Ben truly know what he was admitting to? Did he know what those words meant? Or did they just feel good to say?

Questions threatened their bond making her will them into silence. 

Instead she broke their verbal silence, answering his unasked question in the only way she could. 

“I’ve never experienced it either,” she whispers. “Not outside of my friends-family you’ve met.”

Ben stills, his lips still brush softly against hers, while he asks in what could only be surprise, “Never?”

Her eyes cloud, threatening to pool with unshed tears of her past welling up inside them. “I wouldn't know how to gauge it to even know if it were…”

Rey hears the way he huffs his frustration, if it could be called that. It certainly wasn't a growl nor a rumble, but more made out of concern she thinks.   
  
“Be mine,” he whispers. It’s not a command but certainly not a question. It sounds more like an offer at a better life, one he clarifies with, “Stay mine”

She listens to him as he continues, telling her how he would die to show her just how precious she is to him.

“Our bond, don't you feel this, the calling? The longing? It’s something decidedly different that’s here between us, guiding us. Rey, please… please let me show you just how much _more_ you are.”

She would be lying if she didnt feel it.

It was there. A hum she couldn't exactly make out, one she wasn't sure of what it truly meant or if it meant anything at all. The pull she felt could have been infatuation, likenesses of how others felt towards him or his characters she couldn't quite decipher through, and yet Rey found herself nodding in agreement. 

Ben’s eyes lit up that much more, sparkling at her admission. She felt tears slip down her cheeks only for him to softly swipe them away. 

“This is a dream,” she said looking away from him at that moment. “A beautiful dream--”

“Yes, you are,” he interrupted, catching her cheek in his palm to carefully bring her back to him, “You, Rey, are a beautiful dream. Please, my princess,” he said, lifting his eyebrows to keep his emotions in check. “Please believe me. Please let me show you…”

It was the combination of his care that did her in. 

It’s what made her nod, what promised a steady try from her. This could work if they both truly wanted it. 

How many more times would it truly take before she could believe him? Was that something he could really do or was it something she had to battle on her own and eventually come back to him with? Only time could tell… and Rey? She was ready to give him her time. 


	6. Chapter 6

Her hand felt small in his like most things.

Warmer than he thought she’d be, his memories served him poorly only imagining the times he’d held onto her essence. Ben imagined her skin being cool as porcelain, finding himself checking where they’d connected across his armrest constantly. If she minded, she didn't say. Instead she’d give him a squeeze or snuggle against his bicep which he couldn't save himself from the satisfaction it built inside of him.

She asked more of him regarding how he’d been in the past week, what happened and it was all he could do not to drown in regret. Surprisingly though, the more he shared, the more he felt listened to. It wasn’t like an audience, not while he was with her. Those faceless beings out in the seas of seats, the ones he was trying to please, the ones he was still searching for himself in, their ideals weren’t what he was searching for at all. 

The idea had been unsettling to say the least. 

Every so often it would drag him out to sea with his imagination.

_ Not now _ , he’d whisper to himself which helped him find his way back to her thrumming pulse, the very one that seemed to keep him alive.

It’d been merely an hour since they left. A faint glow from the city stretched just beyond the bridge before they disappeared into the meadowlands.

“I like it where the light doesn’t always reach,” he admitted. “There are times where I always feel seen, where every movement is judged, every nod, every smile, every suit that's not tailored specifically to my size is pointed out....” he trailed for effect. Her reassuring side smile made it easier to speak, which pushed him to continue. “It gives a certain level of my humanity back. Here I can be myself, make mistakes… it’s just…” 

“Freeing,” they whispered at the same time.

A fresh wave of curiosity washed over him. 

“It is. You like the twilight too?”

Rey nodded against his arm, stretching her free hand towards the windshield, adding, “I’ve been all over the world, Ben. Seen my fair share of lives I never want to live again… and the stars… they were all that ever pulled me through.”

He felt his brow furrow, chisling his features further. Did she just admit to a terrible past?  _ Not his girl. _ Not the one that sweetly hung onto his arm still in love with the very few she could see, just as she did in that alleyway the night he’d first looked for her.

Before he could ask, he felt her loosen her hold on him. 

It was  _ awful _ . 

Ben felt himself falling from grace when she had completely, not even her essence held on - was it even there?

“A-are you-we, where are you going?” he said, choking on multiple questions at once. 

“I’m still here, Ben,” she happened to look up at him curiously. Both her hands moved to find the back of her head, releasing the tie that held up half of her hair, dropping the rest to her shoulders like a dream. 

She looked so young now.

Did they ever speak about their age? Ben gulped at the thought of being involved with a minor. He couldn't have that. Not at all. Not even if they were soulmates. What would the public say? He winced at the way the question sounded in his mind. It's not what he meant, it just - it just… it was criminalizing, and his hard work would go flying right out the window.

His concern burned his features while he watched her lean back in her seat to stare out the window. 

“I’ve never, in all the twenty three years of my life thought I would find peace quite like this,” Rey whispered, pulling her knees to her chest. 

Relief made its way through him like a breath of fresh air specifically at the confirmation of her age, something he wouldn't have to ask for later, but he knew as well as any that she was conflicted. He’d seen it in so many of the characters he’d played… there was more. 

He tried not to hold his breath hoping for another reality, and yet it came. It came hard and fast, punching him in the gut, blowing his soul from the vehicle in the process. Ben did his best to listen. He really  _ did _ try, all the while, she spoke as if she was reading off a resume or list of ingredients to a dish he never wanted to try. 

No matter what she said though, no matter how volatile the description, Rey never showed a moment of whether or not it got to her. It was equal parts as sad as it was debilitating.

“The stars were what guided me to this new home. Being on my own in the city could never really feel as empty as it did while in the system, and that’s all I needed to stay,” she trailed while she stared out the window. “Even if I could barely see what got me here in the first place,” Rey’s voice wavered and settled her palm on the window beside her. 

Ben’s foot jerked on the pedal just enough to speed up, chasing an idea taking them far into New York State. To his surprise it didn’t startle her, why would it? There was so much to digest now, so much he’d never understand. Maybe it was her way of telling him what she meant at the stage door. 

She was nobody while he was everybody but himself.

Ben wanted to tell her she had exactly what she needed in life because she had her own back - it was more than what he had, and yet, it wasn’t right. Not now at least. Now it was time to be caught in the silence of this moment. 

He studied her like he did the road, like he did the bugs that splattered on the windshield until she eased up again. 

“I should have been more gentle about it,” she swallowed. 

In a word, he’d silenced her. 

“No.”

Ben stretched his arm behind her back clutching her side to offer comfort and she came willingly, just like in his dreams.

“Only be gentle when you want to be,” he spoke softly while she tucked herself into his side. 

His message rang softly in his ears. It was a lesson he learned when he was younger… one that had him on edge most of his life wondering if people truly wanted him to be himself or a canvas accepting a new role daily. It’s what got him into acting, the intense need and strive to please. And yet, that ever present voice had since quieted down while she rested her head against his chest. 

For once in his life he’d finally been thrilled at his largeness. Being able to wrap his arm around her comfortably while he drove comforted him in ways he’d only dreamed of. 

“Ben?” He heard her whisper. 

“Hmm?” 

“What about you? Why is the darkness your freedom?”

“I think that’s obvious,” he snorted.

“Is it? There are plenty of people striving to have a career like yours-be you… “ she paused when he moved to turn down a side street. “And all I sense from you is wanting to live a normal life.”

It may have been the way she looked up at him, or the way her hand landed over his heart that caused him to look down. 

“Is that true?” 

Her whisper was just as soft as it was hopeful, and Ben couldn’t help himself any longer. 

“It is,” he murmurs, leaning down to seal his lips over hers, parting briefly to add, “A normal life with you, if you’d have me.” 

Soft lights began to grow in strength as he led them home.

No amount had been necessary though. He’d felt the way she nodded carefully, shyly against him, his lips catching on hers at every slight pass. Her hand flew up tentatively caressing his face with her fingertips before boldly reigniting the flame that started them on this path together. 

Ben kissed her back, deeply, as if his life depended on it, and much to his liking-loving actually, Ben felt her desire pool on a deeper, more emotional level. They were indefinitely two halves of the same soul, ones who had just found the other.

She was everything he’d ever needed coming to rescue him from himself and there was absolutely nothing he wouldn’t offer her to get her to stay.

. . . 

It’s quiet here, she faintly registers just beyond the luring hum of his approval. They’d only separated for a moment or two, just enough time for him to get out his door, round the vehicle and get to her. 

He looked… well, he looked like a man in love.

And who was she to ruin that for him?

The truth was, she’d never let so much of herself out, not like that. 

It was just as freeing as when the city was swallowed by the horizon, when she could see the stars, when she truly found him… 

Ben’s hands covered one of her own, promising her anything she’d ever want in a single look before stealing a kiss once more. Rey found them equal parts sweet and loving as they were maddening. Tempting. If he kept his lips moving over hers like that she’d beg him to take her to bed. 

She flushed at the thought.

_ It was a desire of hers, _ indefinitely, but she wasn’t  _ that girl _ . She wasn’t the one to sleep with someone on their first date… if this could even be called one. It was her first apology that came directly from the source though,  _ and that was truly something _ .

Unlike Rose’s sappy Hallmark movies or Paige’s claims she’d expect Solo to haul a woman over his shoulder into his home, he didn’t. He was careful, shy and sweet when he’d released her.

“This is the only place I truly feel at home,” he murmured. “Besides with you.”

How could he say that? 

They’ve only just begun…

Rey did her best not to scrunch her nose in disbelief, but it was there just as quickly to bat down her desire for acceptance. It would have been nice to truly feel like that - to be someone’s home, but how could she know if this was real? How devastated would she be if she woke up in her bedroom, alone?

Against her better judgement, against her survival skills too, she found her vision blurring, trying desperately hard to block out the thought. 

It was just a dream. 

Her subconscious screwing with her. 

Rey notes passing through the front door and never truly seeing the outside, regardless of how it looked as if it was bathed in light. 

She had it down to a science when she was younger. If she was ever lost, she could find the buildings that made her feel safe based on their details. Most of the time they were basilicas or old libraries, places she could find peace in. 

Missing it now set her mind racing, unable to focus on much more than Ben. 

Ben was familiar. 

Safe…

And it scared her. 

She never put such faith in a man before. Rey snorted at that. Poe was as manly as any man she’d ever known, but it’s not how she meant it when the idea popped into her mind. Love interest… she corrected herself. She never really put herself in a position to freefall - there was just, just so little time afforded to her in that department that Rey felt no reason to encourage it.

Yet… here she was letting her guard down with Ben. 

He apologized while they made it through the door and kicked away a pile of what could have been laundry down an unseen schute. 

“I meant to do that sooner, just had other things on my mind,” she heard him say beside her. 

“What was it?”

“Laundry--” 

She was right! 

“Oh, no way…” Rey found herself turning towards him to show her where it had gone off to. “Is that a…”

“It’s an old house, Rey. My grandmother’s actually,” he said watching her touch it as if it were magic making her self conscious. 

Was she really that interested in a hole in the wall? Was he going to make fun of her for it? 

“It was my favorite space when I was a kid,” he added. “I used to shoot my toy cars down the hall and bank them in there. It turns out only marbles worked.” Ben smirked remembering those simple times. “Gran didn’t like it at all though. For someone hard of hearing you wouldn’t think she’d be able to hear marbles rolling around in her machine…” he grimaced. “Gran loved that thing. Pops was certain it out ranked him until they replaced it…”

Rey’s cheeks hurt from smiling, thinking it would have been nice to have such memories. 

All too soon her stomach gave way, growling loud enough to startle them both. 

His smile embarrassed her further. 

“Hungry?” he asked.

“I don’t think I can deny that now,” she hushed her stomach as if she was talking to a small animal. 

Her heart leapt into her throat when he laughed. It was a beautiful sound she hoped she could always spark in him, to give him a reason to. The thought itself made her smile. 

. . . 

“Unfortunately, our choices are limited. I don’t usually go grocery shopping until Sunday night so there's next to nothing in there - I mean,” Ben’s words stumbled slightly finding this was the opposite of what he truly wanted to say.

_ Some celebrity I am… I can't even keep my home stocked. _

“I’m not worried,” she assured him, to which he was hoping she wouldn’t give him anymore reasons to resent her past. 

It was as if she could hear him deep within his own mind, which was mildly reassuring.

“Oh! Pizza rolls,” she piped. “I haven't had these in years!” 

Was it him or was this woman made for him?

“You like them?” he asked softly. 

“Like them? Ben, I thought they  _ were  _ what pizza was for  _ years,  _ actually,” he heard her say, delighting in the way her blush settled over her cheeks when she shared more. “I actually made a complete ass of myself to a delivery guy at Paige’s one afternoon. I yelled at the poor kid, insisting that pizza  _ did not look like that _ . Paige tipped him double to get him to leave.”

He sounded goofy to himself. His low chuckle took over, the one usually saved for his father’s dry sense of humor. Only a handful of people knew that sound, and it was out of him effortlessly. When was the last time anyone made him feel that way?

“Pizza rolls it is,” Ben nodded at the freezer while he found a baking sheet which had seen better days. Idly he wondered if it would bother her that nothing here was pristine. 

A tug in his mind drew him from where he was to her brightening aura, “You know I’ve only seen these in movies?” she asked while still inside his fridge. He could hear her smiling before she emerged from it holding the last two glass bottles of coke.

“Where’d you find those?” he couldn't help but ask. When did he buy those was a better question. 

She cocked her head to the side, searching his features before nodding at the ice box behind her. 

“In there?”

Ben nodded dumbly, still confused about when he’d bought them. 

“If you don't want to, I understand,” she assured him.

“No, no, I just don't have the slightest clue about when I— is there a date on that?” he asked instead.

“A date?”

“You know, like an expiration date?”

Rey was just cute. That was it. She searched all over the bottle for a date with no luck. It was a terrible idea but it was out before he could tell her not to. 

“Let’s just try it,” she said, tossing him one like she’d been around for years. 

He smiled and wished that were the case.

Ben watched her drink hers, completely unaffected by the blatant flatness and slightly soured flavor of the syrup was. He’d been patient enough while she held the glass to her lips to take down the old concoction, and it was all he could do to slowly pull the drink from her. Ben  _ thought _ he was doing her a favor but maybe Rey didn’t think like that. At first she’d swatted him away, insisting it was fine which made him only try harder. 

“We can get new ones tomorrow,” he promised her. “I don’t want you to get sick off of this or  _ poisoned _ !” His voice came out louder than he had hoped but she was being so  _ stubborn _ .

“Sorry?” Rey asked, unsure of whether or not she’d crossed a line.

His tone was softer now, promising her all he could, followed by an apology, an activity he seemed to know better than exploring her. It was a hard pill to swallow. 

“Are you good with Corona? Those are new.”

Ben held his breath and time slowed waiting for her answer. What if she didn’t? 

“Yeah,” she replied, flushing his nerves right back out of him. 

Good.

Dinner was, well dinner. Nothing fancy, obviously. Not even napkins made it with them as they blew past the kitchen table to the living room, turning on something to drown out their combined chewing. Not that he listened to any of it. Deep down he was sure she wasn’t either. She’d been keen on asking him more about himself, his childhood, the house, what he used to do with his friends or if he found peace in being alone with his thoughts.

It was odd in a way. 

His hatred of interviews was well known but she hadn’t been asking what he’d always heard. She wanted to know him. Really know him. Not the projects or characters… him and in a way it was humbling. 

The buzz in his brain silenced all thought, his answer died on his lips as he sought out hers. He hoped her belly was full by now and should have really asked but there was a guiding presence here, one to tell him to move, one that urged him forward. It felt unhurried, unpracticed… real. And when she accepted him his heart felt as though it could stop at any moment, fluttering irregularly as if it were true, Ben reached for her to hold onto their moment for as long as he could.

She tasted like sauce, cheese, pepperoni, and faintly of the old syrup despite the drink she nursed. It was unlike anything was supposed to taste like… all that time wasted on reading his friend’s Cosmo magazines of what to expect on his first kiss flew right out of his mind. The need to write to them to prove just how wrong they were bubble to the surface and evaporated in the way she shifted, forming herself to his body short circuiting his thoughts all together. He felt her toned stomach slay against his which lured him to look down between them to make sure this was real, that she wanted him.

Her actions were simple, straddling one, not both of his thighs. His girl took a chance, one that was certainly meant to encourage him. Maybe she wanted this slow...His mind raced trying to think over how this moment could go. Why was he so nervous? This surely wasn't the first woman he’d been with. He knew how it went with them...but Rey was different. She was his, rooted in his heart the way he’d hoped to be in hers. 

Seconds seemed to pass between them here while she rested her forehead against his. 

“I need you to tell me what you want, Rey,” he whispered.

He felt her shift but not to open wider. Her forehead rolled side to side against his, “I’m not your puppeteer, Ben. I want you to be you with me. Express yourself as you have… let me  _ feel _ that. Give me something real. An experience I can hold onto, even when you’re done with me.”

“How could you say that?” he asked just as softly. “How could you say I’d ever be done with you?”

“No one stays,” she gasps when he pulls her tightly against him, “and I’m almost positive I’m going to wake up alone - that this is just a beautiful dream.”

A dam broke inside of him promising to erase her past. Ben assured her he felt the same, asking her if she felt him while he held her. 

“It’s not though…”

“How can you be sure?” Rey asked softly.

“...I see you in my dreams… and there you never speak.”

. . . 

It’s all she needed. 

Well…

At the time at least. 

Rey lived in the moment. She always had. It kept her alive. It kept her aware… and here with Ben? It could give her the chance to find love. 

Her name on his lips drove her to allow herself the freedom of chasing what he could give, if he wanted to, of course. Rey never exactly thought of her as the type to just take and Ben hadn’t moved much past his sweet compliments and roaming hands. His lips would meet hers tentatively at first, mirroring her own, opening to her as she opened to him as if they knew the other in a past life. Their tongues lead their body’s dance, guiding them in waves only their pulses could truly feel. 

Rey couldn’t help the needy sounds she made in response to the sweet things he managed to tell her between breaths. His lips peppered kisses from the corner of her mouth, along her jaw on a path to her ear before whispering into her ear. Ben’s breath came labored, delivering his deepest desires to her in a desperate way she couldn’t ignore. 

“Please, Rey, let me love you-“

“I think you already do,” came her response, surely terrified of both how it came out and that it did. “I’m sorry, I…” 

She felt his steady hand come up from where it rested at the base of her spine to settle in her hair, cradling her head carefully as he searched her eyes. When Ben’s locked onto hers, her eyes pooled and her heart raced far faster with every passing breath. 

“I do, princess. It may be too soon for others, but we’re not them- they aren’t us. I don’t need their rules. I want a life with you, all of you, backstory and all. You’re beautiful…”

“And yours…” she interrupted. 

It took a moment or two for him to realize what she said.

“And mine…”

Rey nodded when his eyes grew wide. In one quick motion he was upright and on his feet with her in his arms. She swung her other leg around to grip him tightly with both. 

Did she just squeal? 

Out of embarrassment she hid her eyes, ducking her head just under his chin. 

She’s  _ never _ squealed. 

Okay, okay… spiders make her do it, she reminded herself. But not a man, and certainly not Ben Solo, she cringed. 

_ That was most definitely out loud…  _

And even though it was, Ben didn't tease her for it. Instead she heard something far different. 

Did he just purr? 

. . . 

Ben hummed and kissed her temple before taking long strides around his home, through rooms he was sure he hadn’t cleaned in weeks… there may or may not have been a huge brown stain where he dropped his chocolate ice cream earlier that summer, but with everything on his mind as it was, there was no reason to stop and check, and certainly not now. 

If she found it later there would be a story to tell, he rolled his eyes and refocused himself.

Ben nearly ran to his room with her trying to provoke another one of her squeals. That was fun. Yes, he needed that again. And… got it the moment he lost his footing, tumbling with her onto his bed. There was nothing there… nothing, no blanket he’d been known from shedding from it while he moved in his sleep, no laundry like downstairs, he couldn't even blame the dog given his passing earlier that year. Stumbling was entirely, only his fault, and out came her squeal, his blush, and a crack in his voice when he tried to play it cool, claiming that he got her again. 

“Oh, that was your game?” she grinned and he couldn't help but be relieved. 

That could have gone badly. 

“You could say that,” he returned with his boyish lopsided grin. “I’m sure you have more.”

“More what? Squeals?” she asks. She looked like she was doing her best to tame her spreading smile and failing. “I’ll have you know those are saved for special reasons, Mr. Solo.”

Ben hummed. “Does that make me special?” he asked realizing just how he had her pinned. She laid prettily beneath him, her legs still firmly wrapped around his torso. He felt his body tense, his muscles harden along with the one part of him he’d been dying not to think with. 

The way Rey looked at him, the trust, her carefree smile encouraged him. His body moved over hers, caging his arms around her at first. Ben studied the way her features changed, her breathing deepened, the way she looked at him, his princess was speaking in tongues she didn’t need to breathe a word of, and Ben was all too willing to give.

He could slide himself against her, she was so close, so, so close. She’d feel… he wasn't sure because it was her, but _ oh _ , he wanted to find out. 

His body ached to reach her as it always had. While her essence was giving, always molded to his form in bed, Rey was not… she was here, feisty and sweet below him. 

“Yes,” she breathed, looking deeply into his eyes. “You’re special to me. Mine,” she cried as he pressed his bulge against her. 

Ben’s jaw hung open at that, promising himself he’d hear it again at the strength of her squeeze.

His hips jerked back, unable to express the same sort of control. From the look of it, neither could she. He watched the pupils of her eyes widen, nearly swallowing the coloring from them. The rhythm of her breaths had been an invitation for more, and still he proceeded with caution. He could stop if she wanted him to. He could, he could stop.

The very word sounded foreign while he practiced it. Ben did his best to remember it even if it did. That would be the word she’d use, the one he’d hear, and yet with this press she met him with the only word he could process. 

“More.”

His breath hitched then shuddered out of him. Ben rolled his hips, grinding himself against her core. She felt so good even though they’d still been trapped in their clothes. Her moan sung out of her beautifully, calling him to her until all he could focus on was stroking her to chase her serenade. It was exactly that too. No single encouraging sigh was the same. Her eyes never showed any other expression but wonder, her lips parted like his at every tilt of his hips seeking that delicious friction they both most clearly desired. 

He could feel her familiarity, the one that stayed with him in his dreams, the ones with her essence creeping up his back even though she stayed planted beneath him, her hands holding his hips steady while she began to come apart under him.

Lost in sensation, he hadn't heard Rey’s pleas. He hadn't felt her fingers dip beneath the waistband of his jeans, he hadn’t heard her struggle with his belt while he still ground into her. She hadn't said to stop, she hadn’t shoved him away, or said no… instead he told him exactly what he wanted to hear. 

“I need you, Ben,” she scrambled to sit forward to pull down his fly, releasing his secondary tent. His length, still stuck in his briefs, nearly free but not quite, felt amazing -too amazing… 

The cold feeling of dread of not lasting until she came washed over him causing Ben to slow and really look at her. Her little fingers gripped his pants so tightly her knuckles became white trying to ride out her own release. 

“Ben, no… please…  _ please _ , Ben more. Just,  _ just a little more, _ ” she cried, pulling him back to her with all her left over strength. 

He’d been surprised by her before but watching her reach for him, her eyes hooded, clearly in need - chasing it. Needing him. 

“Take me, Rey. Take what you need, sweetheart,” he grunted trying to hold on for her. 

Several more passes of his painfully hard cock had him gripping the sides of her blouse for dear life. If he held her hips any longer he’d, well..  _ he’d… _

Relief flooded his veins at the sight of her coming. 

“You’re so beautiful, baby,” he murmured before his head sank to rest on hers. He could feel his release tear him apart. There was no time… no strength left in his arms to finish properly without crushing her with his weight, and so he had to just let this go.

Words became hard to speak, no matter how much he wanted to apologize. This sort of thing happened to teenagers… not  _ them _ . All of his “what if’s” died in his mind while it whited out, blinding him perfectly before he fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

By the time Rey could feel her limbs again she’d realized what happened. They, oh _god_ , they… Rey shook her head. 

_They did not._

Not when… 

No matter how many times she tried to come up with the words to explain what happened, she’d go silent not wanting to acknowledge that two very capable adults just barely made out and… 

_Nope that did not just happen…_

The fact of the matter was that they _did_ and fell asleep in their, _oh god_ , was that wet spot between her legs just her? Rey cringed as she shifted, scolding herself about all the cons associated with not getting naked before hand. 

The trouble now was moving in her sopping wet pants. Ugh, they felt as though she sat in Jell-o and nearly every move she made squished her release back on her which was less than delightful, especially in her jeans. Any other day her outfits revolved around skirts or maxi dresses in the summer… unless it rained, because long skirts plus rain in the city was just asking for it. Regardless of the weather, casual Friday, meant jeans, and who didn't like jeans? Of course she wanted to wear her skinny jeans because it was “wear what you want” day. There was never a time she’d turn down the option of jeans… or better still pajamas… but she’s certain there has never been a use for pajama day at work.

All these thoughts about wearing other clothes made her skin itch. It was time to get up and fix her mess. Maybe he’d be alright with her using his washing machine later— or soon...maybe soon. Now would be ideal, she thought, wondering what waking Ben would be like. Her eyes drifted over to him, her body followed as if to reclaim her place next to him, as if she wasn't close enough and got hit with yet another cold, sticky reminder of their near coupling experience. _Ugh,_ she groaned at herself and regained the need to clean herself now would be a great time as she hooked her thumbs through her belt loops to pull the offending garment off. 

It was a struggle. There was no other way to explain it… and if Ben woke up and wondered what she was doing she had to wonder if she would be confident enough to leave them off? Would she be able to be bare to him? Maybe if she was already lost to him… but now? 

Rey clenched her teeth trying to accept the embarrassment every time he shifted next to her. He’d done it so much and she’d been so uncomfortable that she couldn’t pay much attention to where she found him sleeping beside her. 

Muffled sounds started coming from him and being buried into his pillow, his massive form shoved the comforter down the bed even though it was still tucked under her. He’s _so… intense_ in his sleep. It’s strange. Rey’s eyes follow the curve of his spine under his shirt all the way up to his shifting shoulders noting how he looks like he’s on the prowl. Just the sight of him calls her closer. 

Unsure if she should wake him, she stops her hovering hand, heavy with an aching need to touch him. It was so tempting. Even above him, she can almost feel him, regardless of his unshed clothes. Rey wonders if his skin is as soft as his hands or if he’s softer, like his heart, like his boyish grins, like his obvious care. She finds herself needing to know everything about this special man she’s claimed as hers. 

All at once, Ben shifts again, this time reaching behind his ahead to pull a pillow from her to stuff in front of him instead. Her head lands on the one below, only slightly lower than the first, and continued sinking down to the mattress, thanks to the down feather pillows she can honestly say she’d never experienced before. At first she thought they were overused, something he would need to replace, because pillows should not deflate, but Ben didn’t seem to mind. So maybe they did?

Rey could only widen her eyes in surprise when she braced herself in his back with her palm at the sudden movement.

_Shit._

_She touched him._

Did he want her to? It was weird here. In the place of the unknown. They had only just started, how was she supposed to know what kind of sleeper he was? Her returning question bothered her and still her palm stayed rooted on his back. No amount of trying removed her from him and all the while he shuffled beneath her. His restless movement mirrored many of her own before that making her worry. What if he felt their combined fluids pressing against him too? What if he hated that and sent her away? What if that was why he wasn't facing her? 

So many questions circled in her mind now, silencing only when he towed the blanket again. He grabbed hold and shoved further away from the two of them in what seemed to be a conscious effort. 

“Ben?” Rey nervously leaned in. Something in her gut kept telling her to slip out of bed and run, that he didn't want her to stay, but that damned mess they shared clung to her in such an awfully uncomfortable way, it just had to go. 

She wasn't sure how he did it but the moment her hand left him he’d turned to grab her. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” his question seemed less like one and more like he was judging her. 

“I’m a mess and uncomf--” she slowed her speech hoping she was still in the presence of her guy. It seemed, well it seemed like he’d changed when he woke up, Rey blinked at the thought, while she tried gauging if her gut was right.. “Ben, are you feeling alright? You’re making weird sounds and look pale.”

The corners of his lips bent down, frowning hard enough to create wrinkles there. 

Did she just hurt his feelings?

“I didn't mean it as a bad thing. Just you look like you need something.”

She managed to move back as he sat up groaning through a series of mopey phrases she wasn't sure were necessarily words either, before circling his arms around her waist. Oh, crap, no… she was trapped! Down he went, pulling her along with him. This just wouldn't do. Now she’d have to struggle away from him before getting out of her--

“No clothes in the bed,” Ben mumbled.

Something about it made her feel better. He knew she was there and hadn’t forgotten about her. That was a nice feeling. Another good one was how he snuggled against her. Maybe it was okay to touch him. Maybe he liked it when she did it. The thought of getting to sang in her mind, and louder still about getting to whenever she wanted. Maybe he truly did want this with her. 

Her palms drifted to his hands to guide him off of her so that she could comply. If he wanted no clothes in the bed, then he’d have to let her remove them. Unless he wanted to. Rey blushed at the thought. Imagining he might hold her close, gave her more of an incentive to follow his directions. 

By the time she’d removed her blouse and undergarments, Ben had kicked out of his pants and underwear then landed in a heap back into his pillows. At first she thought it was cute but there she was, exposed in his room, lit only by the dim recessed lights overhead, then wondered if he truly fell asleep.

Rey admired how attractive he was nestled into that pile, then wondered if she could get closer. He did grab her after all, and what kind of message was she sending if she wasn't willing to reach for him? Being that it certainly wasn't one she wanted him to feel - desperate to fill the hole of rejection, Rey managed to move closer to him.

Heat radiated off of his body, enough to want to lean in and let it bathe her with his comfort. Without it she started feeling a creeping chill, despite the warm night. And so she moved closer still and draped her arm around his waist to curl her body against his back. She felt comforted in some way, still wishing he’d played by his own rules and removed this last piece of cotton between them but it was enough for now. Snuggling up with her guy blanketed in the dimmed golden lights of his room. 

The chill finally caught up to her later into their evening while Rey still huddled closely along his backside willing her to pull up the covers. They too were chilly being that they were far from the heat of their combined bodies, but it was better than being cold. 

Idly Rey wondered what it was like to always be warm the way Ben was. His conscious effort to lose his blanket, the noticeable way he’d clearly slept in the nude all sat heavily in her mind. The thought of him turning to her to snuggle with her, pressing his front to her back or cuddling close enough to sneak a taste of his skin made her eyes roll slightly, resting back on what she wouldn’t do to get him to roll over and cover her, she imagined as she closed her eyes. 

. . . 

Her body is so, _so soft_ , Ben hums to himself. 

He’s sure he said something stupid and cant bring himself to look her in the eye so he stayed facing his pillows instead. He’s tired, that much was true given everything he’d done to get back to her, but hiding like this, away from her, was stupid. 

Voices from past shows, both Broadway and late night acting gigs, skits and movies began to take over his mind, kicking all rational thoughts out of him. They pulled feelings from deep within him over the years to combat what he was dealing with now, regardless of how unhealthy his therapist said it was to do so. He needed an out, a way from his embarrassment. He needed to remember her, remember what she was like before she was in his bed. Before finding her, when her essence was all he had.

Male leads would come and go but the most frustrating to hear from were the feelings that swirled around leading ladies while playing their partner -however that word applied. Ben always felt like he left a part of himself with them which gave him the in to return to them, night after night, show after show. He was aware of how part of his characters would grow on him too. It was scary at times, there were characters who would make him feel like he needed to shout like Kylo or act like some space prince, or crumble up on himself like he did in that marriage movie, ugh, that one made him feel so much loss, so much pain. At times it was just unbearable to go out. The stress of forcing sadness from him at that rate pushed his producer’s hand to make sure there was a therapist on staff. He remembers how the man explained that one, and that he was there for everyone. Ben however, didn’t believe it. He knew the therapist was for him but they didn’t have the heart to tell him. 

The memory brought a tear to his eye and made it that much harder to turn. He couldn’t have this beautiful woman seeing him _crying_. 

And yet, she caressed him. Her hands found his and tugged them over her hips while she curved her back to meet his front. He couldn’t help the comforted sigh he breathed into her hair that she still wanted him close to her. 

He hummed again, pulling her closer still. Rey’s back arched away from him, pressing the curve of her ass onto his hardening length. Nothing spoke to him quite as much as that same comfort, and Rey, she gave it even when she didn’t know it. 

Ben groaned into his pillow while his hips pressed steadily onto her backside, trying to wake himself up. 

“Like that?” he huffed. 

He’s sure he heard her. He wanted to. Her sighs from before left her parted lips beautifully which drove him to squeeze her tighter. He was painfully hard now rutting against her ass, nearly ready to dip himself into her when he felt a hand glide over his hip, traveling unsteadily over his side until it found his shoulder. Another sensation came over him, a delicious heat licked where her hand was at his hip now and the sound of weight shifting on the bed dislodged his pillow had his eyes fly open to find out what had happened. 

_Who’s on him?_

Ben’s hand shoved at its leg trying to protect Rey who didn’t make a sound at the intrusion. 

_Fuck_ , he blinked. 

If this wasn’t the worst time to have the girl he’s in love with in his bed, he wasn’t sure what was.

“Ben?” Rey adjusted her leg despite how he pushed it. 

Ben only groaned, embarrassed by himself. He watched the essence of his girl move to fade into Rey’s position while she straddled him. She crouched like her too, the movements she made were seamless with his girls’ making him frown. 

“Ben?” Rey reaches for him, sliding toward his side so she could curl up in front of him, her leg still hung from his hip while she checked him over. 

The moment her fingers dipped into his hair his eyes met hers. 

“Rey?” Ben asks, trying to ignore his nerves. 

“Are you okay?”

His heart raced while she touched him then looked down at the folded pillow she most likely saw him humping, then looked away from them both in shame. 

“You were shuddering and groaning,” her brow furrowed, adding, “and you’re sweating. Are you alright?”

He had a chance to lie. So many chances, in fact. It sounded like she was describing a cold or the flu and he couldn’t help the need to hide this. His tongue darted out to coat his lips making it easier for him to speak but then his eyes trailed down to her bare body. While lying wasn’t his thing, the idea flew out the window figuring she wouldn’t touch him if he were. She’d probably get dressed and maybe take care of him, but that’s not what he wanted. The thought of her leaving his bed wasn’t one he allowed to continue. 

She had to stay here. 

Ben shivered at the thought. Keeping her with him always could help save him from his torment. He sighed though and let go of the thought, thinking there would be no way she’d stay.

The moment his hope left him, Ben had been able to feel her again. Her skin was so soft against his. His gaze caught on her toned belly then darted to his now softening state, thanks to all this thinking he’d been doing. His length eased between them, lying on her inner thigh in the saddest way.

Anything, he needed anything to distract her from the way he’d landed there.

“Why are you?” Ben’s mouth went dry while he continued to stare. 

Her head dipped to do the same, then blushed brightly. 

“You told me not to wear clothes in your bed,” she whispered. Her hand left his hair to travel down his chest. “But you didn’t exactly follow your own rule. I thought maybe you weren’t feeling well? Or were done…with me,” she trailed. 

_Done? How could he ever be done with her?_

“It’s _not_ like that, princess,” he promised but she didn’t meet his eyes again. 

Out of desperation he held her wrist before she could let go of him. 

“Rey, _no…_ ” 

“I need you to tell me not to get attached if I’m just a moment. Please, I can’t do this again,” she whispered.

His heart hurt for her. Did he really make her feel like that? That he could be done? That she wasn’t truly the one who followed him around, that she… she couldn’t think that. She had to know. He told her once didn’t he?

“I-I… I see you, Rey,” he swallowed but refused to close his eyes. “I don’t think I’m crazy to dream of you, but I can’t tell the difference… not until you touch me. Please, Rey, please don’t let go.” 

Ben braced for her to let him down. He was so afraid to share that with her and it’d been the hardest thing to let go of, to tell her and not know if she’d turn from him. He sniffed back his tears waiting for that hard goodbye, but it takes time, far too much time… _why won’t she speak?_

Her warmth is unfaltering.

Her closeness only neared. 

Her uneven breathing called him back to her. 

“I know, Ben… I do,” she sniffled. 

“Don’t cry,” Ben hushed her, wondering why she was anyway. 

This night had just been the hardest to get through and they hadn’t even crossed into the morning hours. It had him wondering if he was going to survive this. Was it true? Did she really care about him that much that she could feel the stress he put on himself? Could she possibly know what that was like?  
  
He thought of all she said on the way there and how it could very well be true - she could know… maybe not in the same way that he did, but she could know some of it at least.

“...who hurt you?” he heard her ask. 

Ben’s brow furrowed in thought, _who hurt him?_

“N-no one. You could never, Rey I see you because I can’t stand being away from you,” the thought struck him hard. 

“Then be with me, just me...let go of the rest. Whatever it is...Please,” her hand traveled over his arm, encouraging him to hold her. “Keep me with you when we’re together. Trust me to be good to you… to be right with you. Ben, _trust me,_ please. I’ve had enough heartbreak - I know this life. Imagining things, it doesn’t make it better. Only worse.”

She was right. Imagining her made him forget her. He forgot to pick her up that night. He forgot all about time, never reached out to her. While he knew he hurt her, he needed to know who else did. He wanted to know, to rid her of her pain and so asking her was his first step to their freedom.

“Who hurt you, Rey?” Ben whispered, pulling her closer to him.

“So many of them - they don’t need names… Ben, don’t let it be you too. Don’t start chasing them - they don’t exist for you,” she paused just long enough to believe that she was done speaking. “Erase the memory with me,” she finally added while she tucked her head closer to him.

All he could do was nod. Ben’s arm broke from her hold to grab the material between his shoulders, removing the last bit of fabric separating them. 

“I will, and please, Rey. Do the same for me. Help me forget,” he spoke softly before capturing her lips in a soft kiss. 

He loved the way she hummed and went willingly, melting into his arms. Her breath gave him new life, refreshing as it was, he could only hope to give her what he’d already begun receiving. Rey’s lips were as soft as her body felt against him and wished they’d meet every inch of his skin.

He felt her pull him closer still, her draped leg still hanging over his hips pulled him in moving him only closer still which made him suck in a breath. This time nothing but her exhale came with it. It was real, flavorful, and despite the odd mix dinner had provided them, he found he couldn’t get enough. The realization of that made him smile. He grinned at her as if he’d found his treasure after a lifetime of searching.

“You’re beautiful you know,” Rey whispered, her eyes fluttering open to meet his. 

“You are, princess,” he promised her. 

“You don’t know, do you?” Rey pressed her lips against his, drawing out a heavenly sound he was sure was the cause of her. 

No one had ever called him beautiful before. Being beautiful was a woman thing. One with hair and nails and - he’s sure he made a face. 

“Not like that, Ben,” Rey says softly. “Your honesty is beautiful,” she kissed the corner of his lips, “your past is beautiful,” her lips traveled softly across his skin. Was he getting his wish? Was she giving it to him in complements? His mind began to swim in it the uncertain promise there. His girl traveled down the column of his neck thrilling his body with anticipation. Where would she travel to next? Would she graze her teeth across his collar? The thought gave him the chills, making him rotate his shoulders to quell the excitement he’d started imagining. 

He wasn't supposed to, not anymore. She said to stay with her, to be there in that moment with her, and getting ahead wasn’t going to help ease that need. 

A gentle nip at his shoulder made him shiver. 

“Easy sweetheart,” he hissed regardless of his arousal to it. He only had two weeks left on stage where he could potentially show such a mark, and if he did there was always that chance he could lose her because of it. They could be found… and what if she didn't want that life? What if she didn't want that publicity? The fans could be so rough on her, his one in a million. He couldn't have that, not even if he loved the way she touched him. 

Rey though, the angel she was, did not come up to pout. She only continued, pressing sweet kisses onto his skin. Her hands slid down his bare chest achingly slowly as if she was feeding life back into him through her touch alone. It’d been such a long, long time that he’d felt this type of love, because honestly, that's what it was. 

Love.

Rey was giving all of herself to him.

She wasn't just some pair of legs looking to be the next tabloid girl. She was genuine, more than he ever thought he could deserve. 

“You’re everything I could have ever asked for,” Ben promised her on her descent down his chest. She’d thoroughly explored his softness there, telling him how much she’d miss that particular part of him in the morning. Ben couldn't help but feel full of life at that moment, watching her nuzzle there.

“I feel the same and more,” she said, making him pull her up onto him, then rolled them together so that he’d been flat on his back while her form took center stage like the goddess she was. “So much more,” she promised trying to trail down the rest of him.

At any other time he would have let her, but Ben felt the need to know. She needed to tell him what that meant exactly. She needed to erase his questions, his doubts, and that was one she needed to say now. 

His large hands held her hips in place, moving down the curve of her ass to guide her back to him, he asked what she meant.

Her beautiful hazel eyes peered into his questioningly, then blinked them back a moment later.

“I, well… I’ve never felt as comfortable with anyone else as I do with you, Ben. It’s… well, I, _oh_ …” her sigh made him shiver all over again. Rey had responded, doubt to the size of him, long and growing, just beneath of where she settled on him. “I feel safe with you, Ben,” she sighed then pressed her palms onto his stomach to steady herself. 

Her eyes hooded like a woman in need. 

Ben couldn't help how that sang to him. It called him to her as her images would, but it was her, truly, truly her, and there was nothing he could do from feeling the pressing need to claim her. They had, in a sense, she’d called him hers. She’d stayed. She’d promised him more than anyone else had… and that made the difference.

Ben shot up from where he laid on his bed to meet her, his length hard and weeping at her center, and yet he waited. For being one in a power position, he felt powerless without her. “Please tell me you need me,” Ben whispered before lowering to devour her. His tongue dove into meet hers before she could answer, and all he could do was smile internally when her embrace wrapped around him with the same fervor. One arm wrapped around his torso, her nails ready to press crescents into his back, maybe even to scratch him, while the other wrapped around his neck, just over his shoulder, possibly to do the same, but then changed course, dipping into his long inky hair to cradle the base of his skull. 

He couldn’t help the way his body moved against hers, rolling up and purposely pulling her down onto him like his life depended on it. “I need you, Rey. I feel so much better, _ah_ ,” he moaned as she ground down on him, seeking that glorious friction. “When you’re, _oh fuck,_ ” he hissed as her soaked entrance pushed down onto him, his cock throbbed just between her lips. 

“Tell me you want this,” she groaned, matching his need. “Fuck,” she repeated him, then added a fraction of a decibel quitter, “I need you to, to tell me.”

“I’ll always keep you safe,” Ben muttered against her skin. “I’m clean and would never dream of hurting you.” He kept his body still as stone waiting for her decision although it seemed to already have taken shape. She’d already promised her need, her want but would he be safe in hers? 

“Me too, Ben. I’ve not had a partner for years,” she sighed rolling her hips down in search of him. “Please, let me feel you… _all of you,”_ Rey’s moan raced from her the moment her hips ground down on his again. Ben met her with the sheer size of him just missing her center. 

“Are,” he rasped at the feel of her. “Are you sure?” Ben blew out his question, trying his damnedest not to enter her again without consent. 

“Yes, _please, ah!”_ she cried as he worked his way in.

Ben’s thrusts were shallow despite his position. So much restraint had gone into holding her down on him but he needed to be careful since Rey had told her that she trusted him. He couldn’t lose that now, not when she was here in the flesh promising herself to him. He could give her what she asked for… he could give her all she needed. 

“Ben,” Rey moaned, arching herself into his towering form. “Please don’t make me wait.” 

A tremendous heat engulfed him as if it’d been all around him instead of where he’d sheathed himself deep within her core. He could feel her tight grip around him which threatened Ben in a way that he found both thrilling and frightening all at once. Could she make him pass out from the feel of her? He felt himself wandering, his mind slipping with every passing moment buried within her.

Rey moved slightly, calling his attention back to where they were joined, her arousal thickly painted around him made her sound absolutely delicious at every withdrawal, nearly leaving the thickness that was him before sliding right back down on his length. The feeling was exquisite.

Ben’s mouth hung open trying to process just what he felt but there were no words. His mind exploded and all that was left was to chase this feeling. Ben let her slide off of his cock once more before gripping her hips and meeting her thrust for life altering thrust. 

He could feel her palms flatten on him, sure not to scratch him. She worked her way down his powerful arms that helped guide her home to steady herself no doubt. The feel of her fingertips sliding down his biceps edged him on, taking him only deeper. He could remember his strength, he could remember the build, how much time it took to get there, and loved the way she seemed to know just how he needed to be touched to help him see it. 

Her move exposed her pretty little breasts to him and he died to keep up his unrelenting pace and taste them at the same time. One would have to slow, he thought, or he’d bite her for sure, but fuck, it didn’t stop him from trying. Ben dove in to take one of her perky nipples into his mouth while he drove her harder, further onto his cock.

“Ben, _ah…_ ” she moaned, dipping her head back to expose more of her to him. 

He keened at the sight of her and took more into his mouth. His tongue glided over the curve of it, flattening over all he could take before his lips receded to settle just over her nipple. Rey’s sighs only edged him on, his thrusts became stronger still as if he could part her with them and sucked hard enough on her pert breast that she screamed. 

“Ben,” she rasped, her body started to tighten around him. “Ben, I need…”

“I know what you need,” he growled lustfully. It sounded odd to him, but unlike any character he’d ever played. It sounded like him. It sounded like now, not distant like he had in some other life. Rey was here, their coupling was now, and he’d give her all of him. 

He sucked on her just a little harder before releasing her with a lewd pop, loving the way it had darkened just for him. The thought of no one else ever having her came into his mind, his jealousy of that imaginary person that wasn’t quite himself died as the thought it was the moment she moaned his name again. 

Ben watched her hand leave his arm to help herself work out her pleasure, but he couldn't have her do that. He needed it. He needed to claim all her pleasure. He needed to be the only one that gave it. The only person she’d ever desire. 

“Hold onto be baby,” he grunted trying to quell his coming release. He couldn’t, not before her, not with the way she’d promised to heal him. “I’ll give you what you need.”

Ben licked the pad of his thumb before pressing it to her clit. Her hiss hadn’t been one of pleasure though which made him readjust himself to ask how she liked it. He was too close for a lesson, and would be devastated if she touched herself despite his want to be all she needed. And somehow she knew.

Rey reached for his offending hand with hers and brought his fingers to her lips. She steadied his movements, grinding herself down into him until all he could see was where they were joined. No beginning, no end, just together. 

His breath shuddered out of him unevenly when she brought his fingers to her lips. His cock jerked inside of her while he watched her lick the inside of his middle and index fingers. 

“Long strokes,” she moaned seeming to drag her sensitive nub along his body. 

Ben’s eyes only widened at the sight. If that's what she needed, she’d get it. He spit between them, his heavy breathing met her own while he dragged her through it. 

“ _Ah,_ ” she moaned in response. 

He watched her eyes roll back and her lower lip catch between her teeth in an effort to control herself. 

“No,” he grunted, working her harder. “Let go, b-baby… please,” he hissed between his clenched teeth. 

Rey’s release rushed through her prettily. Her head dipped back again, this time a silent screen had been on her lips, her hair tumbled down her shoulders, and Ben, well he couldn’t help but chase his own then. 

“Fuck,” he cursed, unable to assure her she was beautiful, coming undone for him… only him. Oh, how he thought about it though. “Rey, _fuck…_ ” 

He’d tell her he promised himself. There wouldn’t be another moment she’d live without knowing how beautiful she was to him… how important —

Ben’s vision whited out, his ears began to deafen, only able to hear her scream his name once more. 

_Fuck._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be an epilogue soon but this is just where the story naturally stopped for me. I hope you've enjoyed this and thank you so much for reading <3

Why did they have to get up again, Ben wondered while she tucked herself into his side the whole way back into the city. 

It made so much sense to him to stay home but with whatever rational part of his brain that still happened to be functioning, he weighed all of the pros and cons of showing up with her before the matinee the next day. Several times this crossed his mind and every time he came up with not being sure that she’d be ready to accept that life, even if he felt cherished by the woman, he couldn't be sure if she, herself, could deal with the change. Publicity wasn't for the faint of heart. Not that he thought she was necessarily, but the lifestyle change was large and more than anything, he wanted to protect her.

Heading back to her place while the early morning still held a blanket of darkness seemed to be their only option. 

“Ben?” Rey asked, although his name from her lips wasn’t quite a question. 

“Yeah?” Ben answered, his question obvious and hopeful.

“Thanks for not giving up on us. For coming back to find me…” she added, and he was sure he’d alway look for her, especially after all they shared.

“I’ll always find you, Rey. So long as you want me to.”

The feel of her clutching his hand with both of hers and the way she leaned onto his chest only solidified his affections to her. She was his and he was hers, always.

Both Ben and Rey stayed mostly silent all the way back, truly enjoying the other’s company until Ben parked his vehicle. 

“It’s alternate tomorrow,” Rey said. “You might want to--” she pointed on the other side of the street where most of her other neighbors parked. “Oh…”

“It’s fine. Let them ticket it. It’s not like I can't afford it.”

Rey blushed then he did too at just how cocky it sounded. 

“I don't mean--”

“I didn't think you did. I just…”

“Thanks for looking out,” Ben smiled, then led her up to her apartment building. 

“Do you want to come in?” Rey asked. Her eyes twinkled brightly under the streetlamp and it was all he could do to nod at her.

“Yes,” he breathed. 

Rey grinned then tugged him in around the heavy door and up the stairs only to stop abruptly at the sound of arguing between the floors.

“What the hell is going on?” she muttered, clutching Ben’s hand in hers and carefully ascending to the third floor for what he could only assume was the need for protection. The thought of being the one to get to do it was more than flattering, and Ben took his job seriously, carefully looking around with her until they reached a familiar voice.

Poe’s.

. . . 

“...You’ve gotta be fuckin’ shittin’ me! You  _ knew _ she was all broken up about Solo,  _ again _ ,  _ and you let her go home by herself?”  _ Poe hissed in Paige’s face. 

Paige chewed her bottom lip trying nearly all the contacts in her phone to come up with  _ the _ place Rey could have run off to instead of home. 

“Answer me!” Poe hollered. 

Banging from the floor below them and a few angry neighbors protested their argument that needed to take place in the hall outside Rey’s door  _ that  _ early in the morning. Poe had not been known to hold in his emotions, not well at least. It took the second person pestering him about the time to shut the third one up with nothing more than a side glance over his shoulder. Next to be answered was the asshole beneath him, surely banging the ceiling of their apartment with a broom while standing on a chair. Poe stomped a few times and shouted at the floor. 

“I hope you never lose someone you care about you mother fu--”

“Jesus, Poe!” Rey tore off and away from Ben who had just walked her up to her apartment.

Poe turned quickly to see Rey moving towards him to hush him, then looked over her shoulder at Ben. 

“So glad da two a-ya could give us heart attacks tanight.  _ Thanks a lot.”  _ His body bobbed, then weaved to the right while throwing his hands out to the side. “Which one a you wanna tell me n your friends why you couldn jus call one-a us? Ya know, tell us where ya were goin’? ...That yous was safe? D’ya think maybe that woulda been important, any-a-ya?”

Rey looked at Ben then back to her friends who looked more like they were posing for some rap battle with their arms folded over their chests. All Paige needed to do was add a suggestive hand signal out in front of her with the lean she’d been sporting. Thank goodness for the supporting wall or she was sure Paige would have fallen down. 

Rey’s been blessed with a fair dose of better judgement her whole life. It’s how she got here anyway, right? 

“Sorry, to worry you—“

“Worry us?” Rose piped. “Oh,  _ you did more than that _ .”

“What do you mean by that?” 

Rey felt the need to back up. Rose was a particularly amazing person to watch from afar, her chosen speaking patterns had been entertaining to say the least but when upset, those arms would fly and Rey did not need to walk into another slap. It happened the first time she brought in coffee from Poe’s, her drink had gone flying far to the left right onto the back of some unsuspecting worker, which worries her. Not that he was hurt or anything, it was just that level of embarrassment she didn’t need to live over again. 

“Rey!  _ You fucking disappeared! _ ” she whisper hissed. “You could have been  _ taken _ ! Do you  _ get _ that? We had the  _ cops _ here! Does that make it  _ any _ more real?”

Ben’s heavy footedness disappeared since they’d gotten to her floor. Rey was sure he left. _Everyone_ _leaves_. She could come and go as she pleased and _no one_ would care. But in the dark, early hours of this morning showed she found something valuable. Something she was sure she’d never have, something like family… an angry family, one that cared enough to be starting arguments with her neighbors and calling the police on her behalf. Rey sort of already called them family, even if it was a wish she wanted to believe was true, but in this moment, it indefinitely was. Paige and Rose could be her parents, while Poe could be her brother, and even though Kirsta wasn’t there, she’d be an awesome sister. The thought of which made Rey sniffle. 

Ben’s steady figure came up behind her, his hand resting carefully on her shoulder, he’d whispered something to her about finding another place to stay if this was too much for her, but Rey couldn’t hear him. Instead she started off down the hall towards her family. 

“I’m sorry I worried you,” she mumbled while hugging Rose first with one arm, then Paige with the other. “I’m just not used to this—“

“Well we’re not used to you not checking in. We might not be blood, but we’re sisters,” Rose started.

“Dontcha mean sistas,” Poe interrupted, only to get shoved off by Paige.

“This is not the time, Poe,” Paige warned him with her eyes. “You,” Paige pointed at Ben who had the nerve to stare the woman down. “If you’re going to be with her, you’re going to make sure someone,” she swirled her finger around at the three of them, “knows where she is. Either of you have to check in or I’m sending you the bill.”

“Bill? This ain’t no restaurant, Paige,” Poe put his hands at his waist and bobbed his head before looking at the woman. “You see a register somewhere? You can’t bill the guy on nothing.”

“The  _ cops _ , Poe. They start charging for false alarms.”

“ _ No?  _ That’s the ambulance.”

Rose snorts, “ _ You’d know that _ …”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Poe’s eyes lit up wildly, begging the three of them to drop it even though he posed the question.

“I can bill a guy on my stress level,” Paige continued. “I’m expensive. Let’s just get that out in the open right now.”

Rey groaned and offered everyone in from the hallway, including Ben.

“Nope Kay’s gonna kill me. We’re going to Coney Island for the week. She’s been looking forward to it all summer so far. So that’s a no or a lost testicle. You know Kay… it’s not happening. Glad you’re safe, kid,” said Poe.

“It’s not chill time, it’s starfish the bed until Monday morning,” Rose grumbled. “Wait up, Poe…”

“You’re not off the hook,” Paige stares the two of them down. “Better communication—you get me?”

“Yes mom,” Rey’s eye’s bulged when she let it out. It was the highest compliment she could give and it still came out crappy. “I mean that in the best way. I appreciate you guys… it’s just, I know it’ll take me time.” 

“I can give you time, Rey, only if you can throw me a bone here. You could have been  _ taken and all that implies _ . Shit happens here  _ Rey _ , and I just don’t want to see it happen to you.”

Rey swallowed again assuring her friend that she’d get better at it, then moved to hold both of her hands.

“Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for keeping an eye out for me. You’ve been there, Paige…” Rey’s voice hitches, caught by the other two shouting their names down the somewhat quieter hallway only to be disturbed all over again. “All of you, you’re the best family I could have.”

It was enough apparently. Paige smiled, moved around Rey to Ben and playfully punched him in the arm before passing with her famous “You owe me,” smile, and then they were gone. 

Another door opened to another disgruntled neighbor barking at the rest of them to shut it, before looking over the two of them carefully. His brow furrowed while his eyes glanced to and from Rey and Ben before pointing across the wall from them at the no soliciting sign and rolled back into the belly of his apartment. 

Rey shook her head apologizing as she went to unlock her apartment door. 

There was so much of a difference between where he lived and where she did. It made her fingers tremble and wonder if he would like it there or if he’d feel extremely out of place.Panic began to rise in her and because of it, she missed the lock several times. Her actions were enough to call his attention to her. His touch had her imagining it was magical the moment it rested over hers. He was calming in a way that made her slow then quicken all at the same time. 

“I’ve been here before, Rey,” he promised her. “Unless you’re hiding something crazy in there, something I should be worried about, then don't do this to yourself. I don't mind the set up. I like it actually.”

“When?” Rey’s eyes widened at the sound of him being near her home. “Where? Who did you see?”

“They cleared out a section of the building for us to shoot an HBO series,” he looked at her carefully explaining his character as if it would ring a bell with her. 

Rey could only blink. If she was being honest, she really didn't know him before the girls opened her up to this world, and now it was time to come clean about what it was she knew. 

“I don't, um… I don't know any of your work, Ben,” she rushed out. I went with Paige and Rose to your performance the first time because we got tickets through work and they were huge fans,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry if…”

“Don't be sorry,” Ben interrupted. 

“But there’s so much I don't know, Ben,” she sighed. 

“And plenty I can teach you, if you’ll let me,” his hand came up to brush away a loose tendril from her cheek. “Besides, I like that you don't think you know me. It’s comforting in a way because you treat me like a person instead of all the people I’ve played.”

Now the back of his fingers skated against her cheek and Rey could only sigh into his touch. 

Or at least that's what she thought she could do. 

“I love you…” the words slipped out of her so easily… too easily… but it didn’t mean she didn’t. 

. . . 

She said she loved him. 

That's all he heard. 

It made him want to jump for fucking joy. Could love happen like this? So quickly? 

People would tell him they loved him like his parents which he knew was real, but he’d had girlfriends before who’d said it and left him for the next best thing… that always hurt. Ben did his best to ignore it but then relationships came and went, fake or not and he still had to muster up a response to it to make the people feel right along with him. But the way she’d been looking at him, still in her hallway made his mind slow. The bickering sounds between neighbors over this whole ordeal, silenced and there was only her. Not a lightened memory, not an essence that could steal him away. Just her. 

“You love me?” Ben whispered his disbelief. 

“I do,” she nodded then leaned into his hand. “I just feel it. Like there’s something there I need to follow.”

It made him feel like he held the sun and the moon, the girl who looked in wonder at the stars that night, she could see him, wanted to  _ follow _ him. Maybe she would be alright with this life. 

“You do?” Ben did his best to keep himself together when he asked. 

Rey nodded carefully, “I’m sorry. I just, I've never really felt like this, not with a man before, and I—“

Ben swallowed hard the moment she’d apologized for her thoughts. 

No. No. No…

His heart hammered in his chest the more she’d kept talking. Ben couldn't bear hearing one more thing about her life before this, before him, and so he shut it out the only way he could. A half step closer to her, Ben dove to capture her lips, pressing her awkwardly into the doorframe. Her gasp laid silently on his tongue luring him to her. Their combined joy surged through them, neither needing to say another word about it. 

She loved him and he loved her, he knew, just knew this was a step in a new direction. It could be  _ the _ direction, the one he’s been hoping for all his life. 

He’d see this through, he promised himself. He’d be everything she needed and she could learn about him the way life intended on, without shows, the stage or movies. They could have a great life outside of the city if she wanted, anything - anything at all. As much as Ben wanted to dream outside of this one, he stayed in the present, following Rey into her apartment with their bodies entwined around the other’s whispering sweet affections between breaths.

. . .

His mind swims in the pools of the heaven created by her touch. She’s with him more often but many of his shows happen to take place while she’s still at the office which begins to drag him down. Getting into character seems so far out of reach now. Their voices, their lives are simply a thing of the past, which has helped in terms of his daily life, but on stage it’s nearly enraged him. Even his stage manager had called him too intense. Several times he’d been offered a day of down time, which wouldn't work with the ticket sales, Broadway wasn't like sitting in on a voiceover or prepping for a movie scene. 

_ It was Broadway.  _

Anyone in theater knew that the show must go on!

During moments of high stress, Rey’s image would start following him around again. She was active now, taking part in the shows, specifically his leading female costar, which at first was hard to see. He knew it wasn't really Rey. Her being never spoke. She never made a sound, and yet here she was being spoken through.

It became so maddening that he’d even hollered at the woman until Rey’s form disappeared leaving him even more emptied than when she occupied that space. Getting through these performances with his costar solidified Ben’s need to get out of the city, to get back to what he knew… where they were comfortable. It became foregin to him to touch another woman’s hand, to be emotionally close with anyone who wasn't his girl that half way through his performance Ben simply stood up in the middle of the stage, shaking his head, informing everyone within earshot that he was done and would refund them…

But then she came…

His girl, she must have known. How else would she have gotten there to be with him?

“Ben?” she whispered, her darkened form made her way to him on the stage. “Ben, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

“Everything,” he croaked, turning his head slightly to her, his body still hunched in shame.

Rey shook her head no. 

“Not everything. Not us, right?” 

“No. Not us…” Ben replied, his voice still hushed enough to keep the audience away from this private moment.

“Then it’s not everything,” she smiled.

The stage lights started to reach her the way they reached him, cascading over her shoulders to reveal the delicate silver chain he’d purchased her on the anniversary of the first night she spoke to him. It held a small open black geode in a claw-like setting that had meant the absolute world to her because of what they made it mean. He promised her that he'd find her, no matter where they were because she held his stars, his world, his everything. He’d been drawn in to the way the lip of the face began to sparkle and welled up when she added that he could handle it. 

“But it isn't you,” he said clearly. “I’ve never been in love the way I am with you and I-I can't bring myself to want to touch another when it’s not you I’m feeling.”

“Honey,” Rey stepped fully out of the shadow’s now, clear enough for the theater to see--for anyone to report on them, ready for their words, for whatever they’d say to help him. “It’s just a story. We have our whole lives,” Rey said pushing his hair back over his ear for only her to see. “You have my support in whatever you choose--”

“It’ll always be you, Rey,” Ben admitted, pulling her into hold her against his own body. He needed to feel her, to know she was real and there and that they could run off together at the end of this thing…

“And always you, Ben,” Rey nuzzled him, “Always. But right now, it’s time to finish the show,” Rey nodded over his shoulder at his fans so he could feel it. “And after, we can check in with my family,” she laughed, “and hide away, just you and me and bad Coke and pizza rolls to our hearts content.”

That was the beauty of Rey, Ben thought. She just got him. She loved him and he loved her and that was all that would ever matter so long as they both lived. 

  
  



End file.
